A few months ago I wrote a blog article presenting a rational for and the benefits of not ejaculating often. It was a popular article and I received a lot of questions about different aspects of the practice.
In this article, I want to respond to the one of the most common questions I received: “How do I stop myself from coming before it’s too late?”
The things is, we guys have trained ourselves to come. That’s been our goal since we discovered the joys of jerking off as teenagers. The focus has always been on coming – and typically – coming quickly and frequently.
So when a man decides that he is going to abstain from ejaculating, it goes against not only his evolutionary wiring, but also years of conditioning and dedicated training.
So you’ve decided it sounds like fun to not come so often, but how do you actually do that? You have conditioned yourself to come often and quickly, so when you are really enjoying a good jerk off or a great fuck, you get so close and then all of a sudden – BAM – you didn’t realize how close you were.
So how do we train ourselves to stop?
I’m going to briefly share three points that I believe are essential for the process of avoiding orgasm. Then, I will turn the rest of the discussion over to a couple of experts.
Here are three things I believe are essentials to succeed at this practice:
- Commitment to not coming. You really do have to make a commitment to this practice. Just playing around with the idea won’t overcome years of dedicated training – not to mention your evolutionary imperative (to go forth and multiply) When I first started the practice, I told my then girlfriend (now my wife) that I wasn’t going to come for a week. She said she didn’t think I could do it. “I’m going to try,” I said. I was committed. She asked if she could try to make me come. I responded with: “By all means, do your best.” My wife quickly found out there were some amazing benefits to me not coming and got on board with helping me keep my commitment.
- Listen to your body. This is one of the benefits of the practice. Most men don’t know what the fuck is going on in their bodies. We distract, medicate, and spend most of our time in our heads and our genitals. One of the great benefits of this practice is that you learn how to listen to your body. For most men, when we’ve hit that point of no return – “ejaculatory inevitability” – we’ve already lost all control. At that point we can try and stop, slow down, breathe, or pull out. But once the line is crossed, there is no turning back – we’re coming. By learning to listen to your body, you find that “80%” line. That location just south of the point of no return. Listening to your body teaches you to know what’s going on down below and be aware when it is time to slow down, breathe deeper, or pull out – before you’ve passed the “Oh, shit, I’m there” line.
- Slow and deepen your breathing. I’ll give you a little tip. If you want to come faster, hold your breath. If you want to delay ejaculation, breathe slower and deeper from down in your belly.
Oh, and one other thing. Even if you aren’t trying to not come, if you have issues with climaxing too quickly, all of the advice below will help you slow down the process and giving you more lasting power.
Okay, let’s hear from the experts. I posed our question of the week to a couple of guys who know their way around this issue.
Both are No More Mr. Nice Guy certified coaches. Both are also tantric sex coaches. The first is Tim McDonald who lives and coaches in Canada. The second is Hajee Pepping who lives and coaches in Holland. Hejee is the person who first introduced me to the idea of coming less frequently.
Too often we go over the edge or have a miss when we lose presence and ability to hold the container for our woman, we begin to internalize our feelings in the moment. As soon as that devil on your shoulder tells you it’s not a big deal if you come, you must slow down. When you think you’re going slow, slow down 20% more and return to your breath.
The type of breath I mean is when you inhale for 5 seconds deep into your belly and push out your stomach like a beer belly. You’ll feel this expansion right into your balls. Take 2-3 of these and it will calm you. Even pushing your belly into your woman while doing this reminds her of your focus in the moment.
It will also help you to circulate your energy because more often than not it’s all caught in our sacral chakra like a power plant waiting to erupt. Deep yogic breath will help to circulate your energy up your spine and activate all our chakras, removing the intensity from the groin.
Bonus: Next, imagine pushing the energy from your bodily base or cock into her pussy. Like the feeling you get when trying to squeeze out the last drop of pee. Imagine as you push this energy it’s penetrating her deep into her heart.
Take lots of momentary breaks from pumping to reconnect with her eye gaze, this reminds her she’s your primary focus.
Have fun and always remember, don’t take yourself to seriously!
In my experience, the non-coming practice requires discipline and determination. You need to decide for yourself that want to master it. Not for your wife or partner.
Most men are addicted to their peak orgasms. They started jerking off as a teenager and have continued doing this until their 40s. It is that little 10 seconds of pleasure that can brighten up their day. Breaking that addiction takes time, but there are exercises that can speed up the process. It basically comes down to your ability to relax.
Masturbation. Practice masturbation without peaking. Go to the edge, learn to know where the edge is. Commit yourself to stay at 80% of your maximum horniness (100 % would be going over the edge). It is much easier to practice this when you are in control yourself.
Sex with your partner. Communicate up front that you have the intention not to peak. Change your mindset from having sex for pleasure to doing a practice with her. Ask her to support you in this (by the way, it is much easier when you both commit to the non-coming practice). Your practice is staying away from the peak orgasm.
Allow yourself to be in total control. If you are getting close to the edge: retreat, even if you sense disappointment from your partner (it is a very good NMMNG practice). After retreat, take your time to bring the energy down. Slow, deep breathing is helpful here. You enter again when you feel ready again. You can use your hands as a temporarily replacement of your cock.
Regular yoga practice helps to relax the muscles around your private parts. Hip-openers in particular have a positive effect on “being in control” of your peak orgasm. You can search the internet for specific cock-yoga practices. These are mainly stretch-exercises that improve your level of sensitivity around your cock.
Non-coming practice is about relaxing and not about contracting. If you want to step up the gear, you can start including your ass as well. Gently stretching your ass-muscle helps to remove contractions being stored there, allowing a better sexual energy flow back into your spine. Trust me, putting stuff in your ass doesn’t make you gay.
Give yourself some slack if you don’t succeed straight away. It is well worth noting the thought just before you start peaking when you actually don’t want to. It is to please her?
Mastering your sexuality can take some time. The longer you acted from a daily coming conditioning the harder it will be to let go of it. I started practicing non-coming when I was 36. It took me over a year to get to a level where I could say that I was in control. I hear similar stories form other men.
21-Day Challenge App. The most important thing though is your commitment to yourself. You can start with committing yourself to the non-coming practice for 21-days. There is a great app that provides daily support videos to help you through the 21-days of not-coming. You can find them in Appstore or in the Google Playstore.
Check out the following Dating Essentials for Men Podcasts
Be sure to check out the No More Mr. Nice Guy Breaking Free Toolkit, a compilation of over 25 years of resources Dr. Glover has created to help men get what they want in love, sex, and life.