Authentegrity

[DrGlover]

In the book, Unmarketing, (http://www.unmarketing.com @unmarketing), Scott Straten makes the simple but profound statement, “When you are your authentic self, you have no competition.”

I love this.

Scott is speaking primarily in the context of building relationships in business, but his statement is unavoidably true in every area of life.

A core dynamic of the Nice Guy Syndrome is inauthenticity. Nice Guys don’t believe it is okay to just be themselves. They believe they have to become what other people want them to be in order to liked, loved, and get laid.

Nice Guys are guided by the covert contract, “If I am good (and hide my flaws and mistakes), then everyone will like me and approve of me (and women will desire me).”

The need for external validation and approval from others prevents Nice Guys from being their true selves and actually blocks them from getting the love, sex, and happiness they desire.

The tools I present to recovering Nice Guys all come down to this - be authentic. Be a “what you see is what you get kind of guy.”

In a recent workshop I was talking about the process of being integrated and authentic when I accidently coined the word, “authentegrity.” It just popped out of my mouth.

Authentegrity. Cool word, isn’t it? It really sums it all up.

Your journey as a man is to walk the planet with authentegrity.

If you want to make a difference, if you want to live with passion, if you want to be happy, if you want experience the deepest love imaginable – live with authentegrity.

This doesn’t mean be perfect - far from it. It means to live with all of your flaws, mistakes, and human foibles on full display.

When I first heard Scott Stratten make the comment about being your authentic self, I thought of the issue that so many single men have when it comes to approaching women. Many of the men I work with believe that they are fundamentally flawed in some way and are convinced that as soon as women see this, they will reject them for someone better.

One thing I’ve learned about women from 30 years as a marriage therapist is that most aren’t looking for perfection in a man. They are longing for authenticity. Healthy women aren’t attracted to the man who presents well. They are turned on by the man who is himself and comfortable in his own skin.

Does that mean everyone will like you if you are yourself and live with authentegrity? No, of course not. They say Jesus was perfect, and he still got nailed to a cross. Being your authentic self won’t make everyone like you or make every woman desire you, but it will let YOU like you. Everything flows from there.

In your job and career, you have no competition when you are your authentic self. Since no one else is you, no one else can offer what you offer. The first time I heard Scott make this statement, I saw how true it rang for my business.

The work I do has brought me into contact with thousands of men and women. I receive several emails a day from people telling me how my work has changed their lives.

I’m not a genius. I’m not the most spiritual guy. I don’t live a perfect life. But for most people, that isn’t what is most important.

I’m opinionated, and I can be a know-it-all. My girlfriend, mother, and children all tell me that I can be controlling (they love me anyway). I can be judgmental and critical, especially when I am stressed. I have an ego, and I like to be well-thought of.

These traits are me. I don’t have to eliminate them or hide them. I just have to be conscious of them, own them, smile at them, take responsibility for them, and make amends for them from time to time.

This is authentegrity.

The most consistent feedback I receive from men as to why they like working with me, is that I am authentic. I can’t think of a greater compliment.
Men like knowing that I’ve made the same mistakes they have, that I struggle with the same issues they do, and that I can be real and transparent about the process of recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.

I’ve learned that being authentic gives others the courage to be their authentic selves.

In No More Mr. Nice Guy, I make reference to Nice Guys being “Teflon men.” They believe that if they appear perfect, people will like them. Ironically, perfection (or the appearance of it), makes it difficult for people to connect with you.

People are attracted to people’s rough edges. When you keep all of your flaws, warts, and imperfections hidden, people have nothing to connect with.
Here are a few suggestions for becoming your authentic self.

Find safe people to reveal yourself to. This helps you release shame – the belief that you are fundamentally defective and therefore fundamentally unlovable. As you reveal yourself to safe people, you realize that people can see your character flaws, mistakes, and dark side, and still like you.

I didn’t become authentic overnight. I was a poster child for the Nice Guy Syndrome. I thought I was honest, but you couldn’t trust me as far as you could throw me.

But doing the hard work of revealing myself to therapists, in 12 step groups, in men’s groups, with friends, family, and clients, I learned that I could be me and still be loved. Due to this work, there isn’t anything about me that at least one person on this planet doesn’t know about. That’s liberating!

Practice telling the truth – the whole truth. Every time the little voice in your head says, “Tell it this way” - tell it the whole way instead. Don’t hide, shade, divert, or make excuses.

Give people the chance to like you just the way you are. They’ll never have that chance if you don’t let them see who you really are.

Don’t hang out with people who don’t like you just the way you are. I went through a period of not talking to my parents for 15 years. I divorced a woman who couldn’t stop criticizing me. My life is now full of people who like me just the way I am. That’s been a conscious process.

Always do what feels right to you, no matter what the consequences. That’s my definition of integrity.

Become the non-judgmental observer of self. Observe your ego, your need for validation, your character flaws, your dark side, and your bad habits. Smile at them and own them.

Keep working on yourself. Not so people will like you, but so you will keep growing as a human.

Do what makes you happy. Pursue your passions. Play like a child.

Live your life by the mantra, “Nothing hidden and nothing half-assed.” You won’t go wrong, and you’ll have no competition.

Robert

[Boricua]

Originally Posted by DrGlover

Keep working on yourself. Not so people will like you, but so you will keep growing as a human.

This one rings especially true with me. I don't think of it as "self-improvement" because I don't need to "improve" who I am, the current model is just fine.

I often refer to it as "skill" and "strength-building." When I become skillful at something, I gain self-confidence. I find social skills are an important skill set to keep building.

When I do something I'm scared of, I build strength. The stronger I am, the less anxiety affects my decision-making.

Becoming skillful at things has been the entire crux of my journey, because it's based in action instead of thinking (which I do too much of sometimes).

[For Me]

Originally Posted by DrGlover

Always do what feels right to you, no matter what the consequences. That’s my definition of integrity.

While an extremely powerful statement, I contend that unless you have a good handle on the 'ntegrity' part of authentegrity, this will be a huge minefield. People (and the NG in particular) conjur up all kinds of excuses to only do what 'feels good' or more often to avoid what doesn't 'feel good'. But more importantly, it's the consequences of these actions they have a hard time with... be authentic all you want, but if you aren't willing to be honest about it, or LIVE with the consequences, it's a huge fail.

If you are not being authentic from a 'good place' (not a perfect place), I feel that the concept of authentegrity will be a little difficult for the recovering NG to navigate. In some cases, we have seen people use the 'authen' side as an excuse to over-ride their 'ntegrity' side just to get to what 'feels good' and to get what they want even at the expense of others.

With great authenticity and integrity comes great responsibility...

[chevy1947]

enjoyed this / every once in awhile I am glad when the doc drops by and gives a course adjustment.

[DrGlover]

Originally Posted by Boricua

This one rings especially true with me. I don't think of it as "self-improvement" because I don't need to "improve" who I am, the current model is just fine.

Exactly. You are perfectly fine, just as you are. Personal growth is the choice to live an adventure and give our self the opportunity to experience all that life offers.

Robert

[DrGlover]

Originally Posted by For Me

With great authenticity and integrity comes great responsibility...

Yes. As you keep moving in the direction of becoming more and more authentic and integrated, you will have more opportunities to be authentic and integrated. Ironically, even though the challenges may become greater, it actually become easier to rise up and act with total authentegrity.

Robert

[DrGlover]

Originally Posted by chevy1947

enjoyed this / every once in awhile I am glad when the doc drops by and gives a course adjustment.

De nada!

Robert

[Double Espresso]

Originally Posted by DrGlover

... Personal growth is the choice to live an adventure and give our self the opportunity to experience all that life offers.

That's gold.

[frenchguy]

Don’t hang out with people who don’t like you just the way you are. I went through a period of not talking to my parents for 15 years. I divorced a woman who couldn’t stop criticizing me. My life is now full of people who like me just the way I am. That’s been a conscious process.

Robert[/quote]

It might be a little too personal but I am thinking of breaking the relationship I have with my mother ( not seing her for a time ; I will just talk to her by phone ) because she criticize me and wanted to know if you cut your relashionship for similar reason ?

Thank you

guillaume

[frankPascanini]

I guess I'm a little frustrated and confused, being relatively new to this. Isn't this just another covert contract? Or maybe it's simply an oversimplified formula? First it was, “If I am good (and hide my flaws and mistakes), then everyone will like me and approve of me (and women will desire me).” OK, we now know that doesn't work so we've simply changed it to “If I am authentic and have integrity then everyone will like me and approve of me (and women will desire me)."

"What happens when being yourself doesn't work?" I've read that question posed on other sites. You can be integrenthetic (the other way doesn't work for an adjective ) and still not be able to relate to other people. I don't think you can demonstrate authentegrity in 2 minutes with a woman. You still need specific skills to talk to women, and sell yourself to them in order for them to like you and desire you.

Authentegrity has to be demonstrated over time and makes perfect sense for relationships. It does not get you a first date, and without the first date you've got nothing. Believe me, I know that all too well.

Please tell me what I'm missing here.

[Black]

Originally Posted by DrGlover

Always do what feels right to you, no matter what the consequences. That’s my definition of integrity.

Originally Posted by For Me

While an extremely powerful statement, I contend that unless you have a good handle on the 'ntegrity' part of authentegrity, this will be a huge minefield. People (and the NG in particular) conjur up all kinds of excuses to only do what 'feels good' or more often to avoid what doesn't 'feel good'. But more importantly, it's the consequences of these actions they have a hard time with... be authentic all you want, but if you aren't willing to be honest about it, or LIVE with the consequences, it's a huge fail.

For Me, this may be semantics but I think there is a difference between doing what feels right versus doing what feels good. Typically I think we do know what the right thing is to do, if only at a gut or subconscious level, but aren't always thrilled with the feelings that are brought up by thinking about doing the right thing. Now doing what feels good can be an indicator for what we love and enjoy though I'm willing to agree with you that it can be used to avoid taking responsibility as well. I don't think it so much that we are doing what feels good but avoiding that which feels more painful or uncomfortable.

I am definite proponent of the do what you want mentality - even when I myself am not sure what that is - but it seems many people think that's a license for chaos. I honestly don't think anybody want to intentionally other people in the pursuit of what they want, they're simply afraid that if they won't get what they want unless they hurt other people. Fear seems to be a strong force in influencing people from acting with authenticity and integrity.

Anyways, thanks doc, it was a good post.

[Tomson]

I do think its vitally important to be honest about your failings in order to demonstrate integrity. The genuine article has scuffs and scratches. Authenticity is proved by the hidden hallmark, not the polished veneer.

I don't particularly like the word 'authentegrity' and it seemed to me that there was another word that completed the trinity. Then I got it: authentic, integrity and disarming. When you leave a person only the choice of whether you are the kind of person they like or dislike there is very little more you can do.

[Tomson]

Originally Posted by frankPascanini

"What happens when being yourself doesn't work?"

That was the question I was asking.

I met a guy a few years ago and discussed how I might be able to help him. Within a few hours I showed him what I could do and he was impressed with the speed. Then I put a proposal to him which he hated and completely rejected. I was mortified but went back with more ideas and this time he was impressed that I had taken the criticisms to heart and turned the whole thing around.

I wanted to impress him but I could never have pretended to be something I wasn't. If he hated my second proposal that would have been the end of it but we are still working together and are good friends.

There is more to being yourself than merely being honest and open. Sometimes you have to work hard to develop and realize your potential. I know people who have disliked or not trusted me only to change their minds at a later date. You need a degree of self belief and never-say-die attitude. The problem with most guys is that they keep buffing up the shine without ever looking at the hallmark.

[Boricua]

Originally Posted by frankPascanini

I guess I'm a little frustrated and confused, being relatively new to this. Isn't this just another covert contract? Or maybe it's simply an oversimplified formula? First it was, “If I am good (and hide my flaws and mistakes), then everyone will like me and approve of me (and women will desire me).” OK, we now know that doesn't work so we've simply changed it to “If I am authentic and have integrity then everyone will like me and approve of me (and women will desire me)."

Dr. G stated in the OP that you act with authentegrity not for other people's approval, but for yourself. When you are true to yourself and congruent to your desires, you are happier and freer than when living by Nice Guy (or others') standards.

Also, covert contracts no longer exist when you release investments in outcomes. Just do without expectations. Life does not offer guarantees that women will love you, whether you'll be rich, or anything else. You can only increase the probability in your favor. That requires a lot of work and practice sometimes. But even then, nothing is certain so why get yourself down with distorted thinking (I MUST do this, in order to get this. If I don't get what I want, that MUST mean I'm no good)? That kind of thinking will only help defeat you, not help you.

Life is full of facts too. One fact is that if you don't possess very good social skills and are nervous/awkward around people, you'll have a difficult time communicating with others. That will feed into social anxiety, which may cause you to push away or avoid women, especially if they show interest. Develop social skills and practice them frequently with determination. That will increase your probability of meeting women and getting laid, if that's your goal. Don't become so focused on the outcome. Stick to the process and have fun with it when possible.

[steady]

Originally Posted by frankPascanini

I guess I'm a little frustrated and confused, being relatively new to this. Isn't this just another covert contract? Or maybe it's simply an oversimplified formula? First it was, “If I am good (and hide my flaws and mistakes), then everyone will like me and approve of me (and women will desire me).” OK, we now know that doesn't work so we've simply changed it to “If I am authentic and have integrity then everyone will like me and approve of me (and women will desire me)."

Doc even pointed out in the article not everyone will like you. That's absolutely true. You will gravitate toward and attract people who like the authentic you. When I was younger I drank a lot. I hung out with heavy drinkers. I could not understand there were people out in the world who didn't drink like we drank - that's because my world was filled with drinkers. When I quit, my drinking friends disappeared and I became surrounded by people who didn't abuse alcohol.

I look at it more like this - If I am authentic and have integrity, then people who like me will stick around, those who don't will leave. Therefore, I will be with people who like me for who I am, rather than some mask or facade (chamelion) that I'm wearing. When you are authentic you will see those things about yourself which you need to improve to get to where you want to go. If you're just bullshitting around pretending you won't ever know who you really are and you'll just have this fantasy world in your head which you're projecting out there.

Originally Posted by frankPascanini

"What happens when being yourself doesn't work?"

You need to put 'doesn't work' in some context. Also, the statement 'doesn't work' automatically implies not getting a certain outcome. What's the alternative? Be someone you're not? Act like you aren't the way you are? If you really look at it, the question is really very silly. You either be the person you are or fake like you're something else. If the real you isn't achieving success like YOU want, then take a look at where YOU need to improve.

My first hand experience tells me people like authenticity, even if it is seemingly grating. I had a friend years ago who always spoke his mind. He was kind of 'rude' and very vocal. If he didn't like someone he said it, if he thought you did something wrong, he said it, etc.. The strange thing was this - he had a lot of people who liked him even though he was very rough around the edges. I respected him because he was himself and didn't give a shit what anyone thought of him. There's a certain energy that comes out from that and people respect it.

Originally Posted by frankPascanini

I've read that question posed on other sites. You can be integrenthetic (the other way doesn't work for an adjective ) and still not be able to relate to other people. I don't think you can demonstrate authentegrity in 2 minutes with a woman. You still need specific skills to talk to women, and sell yourself to them in order for them to like you and desire you.

Why would you have to 'sell yourself' to a woman? What are you selling? If you are what you are they'll either like that and be attracted to you or not. If not, they eject from your orbit. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't like you for you?

Originally Posted by frankPascanini

Authentegrity has to be demonstrated over time and makes perfect sense for relationships. It does not get you a first date, and without the first date you've got nothing. Believe me, I know that all too well.

Please tell me what I'm missing here.

I don't think it has to be demonstrated over time. I believe you have to be consistent with it over time, but people can feel and sense authenticity very quickly. There's a vibe, an energy that comes off someone who is integrated and perfectly fine in their own skin. It's rare, but when you see it you'll know.

And it gets you more first dates than any other method. Well, excluding paying for it... lol.

One other thing, being authentic means expressing what's inside of YOU. Have you ever tried saying, "I'm a bit nervous" talking you right now."? or "I sometimes have a hard time socializing but I"m working on it right now with you." "I am drawing a complete blank and I seem to be struggling with finding something to say right now. Oh well." I've said those any many others and have never gotten a bad response from someone. Everyone can relate to these things in some form or another. You're just expressing what most people have experienced but most are afraid to say because they fear the very thing you're trying to get rid of - someone else's approval. And you're expressing them in the moment. People appreciate that and it opens up the door for them to express themselves. If that happens, the connection is deeper.