Mark D is Breaking Free

[Making_A_Mark]

The Journey From Heartbreak to Connection

Chapter 3: Attending to the Moment

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THE TOP 31 PRIMAL ABANDONMENT SCENES

Customize by checking all that apply to you and adding your own unique scenarios at the end.

CHILDHOOD PRIMAL SCENES

____Early abandonment of one or both parents.
_____My mother died,father died. Custody battle-I was in the middle.
____Emotional, physical, sexual abuse.
__X___I witnessed family violence.
__X__Dysfunctional, chaotic, addictive family system.
____Divorce, family earthquake, loss of family unity.
____Illness of parent (cancer, alcoholism, mental illness).
__X___Birth of sibling; I lost my exclusive bond with my parents.
_____Learning disability, lost status within family or classroom; physical disability.
__X___Parent's emotional withdrawal due to bereavement, depression, job, etc.
____Single-parent family; my mother was overloaded, worked full time, or carried burdens.
__X___Both parents workaholic, self-centered, or emotionally unavailable.
_____I went through an ugly duckling stage, parents emotionally dumped me.
____Parents favored another sibling.
__X__Too many baby-sitters, too long at day-care center or camp, too much alone time.
____Grandparent dies, pet dies.
_____Parents came and went owing to business trips, marital separations, immigration problems.
__?__My brain produced too much norepinephrine. Not sure if I can agree to this or not.
____I moved a lot, always felt like the new kid on the block.

ADOLESCENT PRIMAL SCENES

__X__Felt on the outside looking in.
__X__Social discomfort, inhibition.
__X__Popularity issues. -> I took on a counter-mainstream persona because I realized quite early on that I didn't fit in with the popular ones.
___X__Social difference, ethnic isolation, societal prejudice. -> I come from a middle eastern family, and was split between cultural identities.
_____I got too much criticism, punishment, pressure, control; not enough understanding.
__X__Believed I wasn't attractive. -> This stemmed from having different features as a result of my cultural background.
____Poor school, athletic, or social performance.
__X__Parents indifferent to my struggles.
_____Fearful of gangs, pressured by group rites.
__X__Overdependent on peer approval.
__X__Endured teenage heartbreaks. -> At least three of these in high school. The first was absolutely crazy and taught me to confuse craziness with love. The second was better, but extremely emotional. The third was the first time I learned to be an avoider and be withdrawn.

Add a few of your own scenarios.

About when I was in the fourth grade, I had a cousin fly in to the states to stay with us and be under our care. What I didn't know is that my dad wanted to basically adopt this cousin and have him live with us permanently. For some reason, my dad loved this kid, and tended to neglect his own other 4 children. This started the problems with my mom and dad. I was afraid of never getting any of my dad's attention because he was always focused on my cousin and meeting his needs. Also, I felt the neglect when my mom and dad would almost always fight because of this cousin. We felt like we were invisible, and if we just kept quiet and didn't interfere we would eventually get some attention - it was scarce to receive, and there wasn't enough to go around.

When I started the fifth grade, my dad took off to work overseas for the following five years. I would see him only 2 weeks a year during this period. I felt he had in a sense abandoned me, my siblings, and my mom. We believed he did this because of how the situation turned out with my cousin.

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Shattering: I'm only somewhat associated with this personality. The main traits I have as a result of Shattering are low self-esteem and emotional instability (in relationships mainly). They aren't extreme though so I'm not sure this applies.

Withdrawal: This one I REALLY identify with. I'm the middle-youngest in the family, so I was often deprived of attention because my siblings were always more demanding. I just learned to be the invisible/lost child and be quiet and play in my room. My parents were unavailable because they were dealing with issues with my siblings or with my visiting cousin. I do end up having co-dependency patters in relationships, and this will manifest with neediness. And yes, I do typically self-medicate heavily with video games mostly, then TV, and until now porn/MB/fantasy as well.


Internalizing: This is a big one too. When my dad came back from his 5-year "abandonment," he tried to dive back into a disciplining father role. Of course by then we had learned to get along without him, and this got him really really angry. I would often be criticized about my shortcomings and not doing things the right way. It made me be sure to strive for perfect grades. Still, I felt like he always had his eye on me to make sure I didn't f*ck up - almost as if he's waiting for me to so that he could compare me to my older brother (who made his fair share of mistakes). Comparing me to my older brother is one of the sole factors that drove me so hard to apply to college my senior year and prove to him that I wasn't like my brother. My perfectionism stems to this because ultimately, I internalized that I am small/deficient and can't let it show. I have trouble delaying gratification, alright, and it shows in how much I love INSTANT gratification like what I get from playing video games.


Rage: I would say that there is a fair share of rage in me as well. I'm not finely tuned in social situations, so when I ask for something I tend to come on strong and aggressive. Either that or I'm very passive and non-assertive about what exactly I want - I'll beat around the bush instead. I have known myself to build resentments, but I never confront those people about them and it eventually turns into anger against myself (which then leads to depression).

Lifting: It's hard to admit, but I am so used to conflict and fear of abandonment and neglect in my family that I really have learned to do a lot of lifting - it was the only way I could figure out how to survive as a kid. I do have an usual amount of emotional resiliency, but I pay for it dearly by not being able to stay emotionally attached to others and be close to them. Identifying my feelings is indeed difficult - sometimes I'm unable to identify joy because I'm not used to the sensation of it. And yes, I do isolate/disconnect myself to prevent vulnerability. And finally, I agree that I have intimacy problems in relationships and struggle to maintain love feelings. Once I feel those love feelings fade and the chase is over, I almost immediately start looking to the greener grass on the other side of the fence.

Which personality profiles did you identify with the most and why?[/b]

I identify most with Withdrawal, Internalizing, and Lifting. The why is written above for each personality.

What insights and strengths help you overcome these issues?

Self-acceptance and willpower.

[Making_A_Mark]

The Journey From Heartbreak to Connection

Chapter 3: Attending to the Moment (cont'd)


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Check all that apply.

STUCK IN SHATTERING

__X__I have a pattern of depending on people who let me down.
_____Others, especially my family, tend to scapegoat me.
__X__I have sabotaged relationships or personal successes out of fear.
____I constantly paint myself into corners and can't get out.
____I have a history of substance abuse.
__X__I am anxious or depressed a lot of the time.
____My life has become a roller coaster, an accident waiting to happen, an emotional disaster.
__X__I feel as if I'm missing important feelings others seem to have.
_____I believe others see me as damaged or dysfunctional.

STUCK IN WITHDRAWAL

__X__I feel as if I'm waiting for something to happen
before my life can fall into place.
__X__I have problems with food, alcohol, sex, or spending too much.
__X__I get strung out over relationships gone awry.
_____The morning after an attempt at love, I wake up with an emotional hangover.
__X__I keep ruminating over situations and problems beyond my control.
__X__There is a big discrepancy between what I have and what I want.
__X__I am needy or overly clingy in my love relationships.
____I feel overpowered by others' needs.
__X__My fantasies are better than my real life.
__X__I feel an emotional emptiness, as if something were missing.
__X__I am a procrastinator.

STUCK IN INTERNALIZING

__X__I protect others even when they've treated me poorly.
____I have a fear of humiliation.
__X__I feel people don't really know or recognize me for who I am.
__X__I feel others are stronger or more able to cope than I am.
__X__I allow others to put me down without retort.
__X__I am inhibited.
__X__My need for perfectionism causes me to feel dissatisfied with myself.
__X__I try to stay perfect to remain above criticism.
____I am afraid of success because I'm afraid of competitive backlash.
__X__I am overly sensitive to rejection.
__X__I idealize others at my own expense.
__X__I am a slave for approval.
__X__I feel something holding my life back.
__X__I frequently feel slighted. I presume it to be a weakness others perceive about me.
__X__I have a constant head-trip going on in which I worry about my self-worth.
__X__I worry about how other people see me.
__X__I have experienced problems with low-grade depression.

STUCK IN RAGE

__X__I play emotional games in my love relationships.
____I hold out emotionally to test the other's staying power.
____There are dominance themes in my relationships; one side of the partnership has more control.
__X__I have a history of rebelliousness.
__X__I resist taking someone's advice, determined to do it my way, even if I know I'm being headstrong.
__X__When I feel criticized or rejected, I get vindictive urges.
__X__I vacillate between being overtolerant and overcritical.
____Games of one-upmanship make me anxious.
____I have had agitated depression.
__X__There are a lot of unresolved conflicts in my relationships.
____I have a tendency to brood.
__X__I hold on to a lot of resentment but act like everything is okay.
__X__My anger spurts out behind people's backs.
__X__When I underexpress or overexpress my anger, I become my own worst enemy.

STUCK IN LIFTING

__X__Others accuse me of being insincere or think of me as emotionally superficial.
__X__I sometimes feel as though others were experiencing feelings I'm not.
__X__I have trouble with intimacy.
__X___I feel numb to life. I wonder what happened to my emotions.
__X___I am always on the go, staying busy, focused on work-becoming more like a "human doing" than a human being.
___X__I shut down emotionally or sexually in the midst of a relationship.
____I use humor a great deal as a means of diffusing emotional situations.
__X__I suspect I have attention deficit disorder or a tendency to move from one distraction to another.

[Making_A_Mark]

I have the urge to contact the girl, but I know I shouldn't. So I won't. The problem is, whether I contact her or not, I still have a ridiculous longing to see/talk to her. I know there's no benefit in doing so. The abandoned part of me really wants closure, though. It's going to be extremely difficult for me to not think about her while I'm there. There is too much temptation, and I'm concerned I won't be able to handle it.

Can you guys recommend easy things to do to talk myself out of making a stupid move? Staying in the moment is the only tactic I have, but if my cravings to see her are too strong, I will be distracted too easily. Luckily, I'm going to be busy with other friends all weekend so that will help keep my mind off of her. But what do I do about the need for closure? How can I just forget about her permanently and disassociate visiting Austin with seeing her? I don't want my future trips there to cause more painful feelings.

Although, maybe in my time there I can use the pain and regret I feel as an opportunity to do more healing. It's much easier to recognize where the healing has to happen when the wound is more exposed. It has kind of numbed out over the past few weeks since I've done this work (and been far away from her).

Note, I am NOT prone to blowing it by initiating contact. Rather, I'm asking for advice on how to deal with the cravings to see her.

[SuchABaller]

Delete her number. Delete all traced of her email address. Defriend her from FB.

[Making_A_Mark]

Originally Posted by SuchABaller

Delete her number. Delete all traced of her email address. Defriend her from FB.

Number deleted. No e-mail address. Deleted from Skype. We were never FB friends so that was easy.

The bigger problem is that she coincidentally lives in the same apt complex as my younger brother who I like to visit often when I'm in town. It's unlikely I'll bump into her, but just the nervousness/anxiety/neediness etc I'll feel by being in that complex could be unbearable. Of course I'm not out of control enough to go knock on her door or seek her out in any way, but that's not my concern. My concern is that I'm not well-equipped yet to handle those intense feelings in the moment. I'm thinking it might be best to avoid going there for a while until I forget about her and I'm further along the recovery, but isn't that the NG approach that I don't want to exacerbate?

[RufWarrior]

Everything you want to tell her, tell it here. Chapter 5 exercises will help too. And re-read Chapter 2 about it.

[DarkStar]

I think it's OK to avoid going there for now. Have him come out to meet you.

I look at it like a recovering alcoholic being around booze in the beginning of recovery. Eventually you want to be able to be exposed to more difficult situations so that you can feel powerful and live your life more freely.

But if your best judgment tells you that you're at a high risk of making matters worse by being exposed to these situations too early, then by all means avoid them for now.

As for how to talk yourself out of it if you do find yourself in close proximity, I'm not sure. When I was highly tempted to contact the girl, I did a lot of journaling to convince myself why it was a bad idea. One of the reasons was that if I really wanted her back, my best chance was to wait until I was healthy because contacting her while I'm unhealthy could quite possibly just escalate her feelings of me from simply being no longer attracted to me, to thinking I was a creep. Not to mention the damage it would do to me if I picked up on that, or if she flat out said it.

That probably doesn't apply to you since she never broke up with you or ended things with you, but I'm sure you have your reasons and you can distill those into some key points based on everything you've learned up to now. Maybe it's because you've already gotten this far and you know it will set you back and you refuse to start over.

Whatever it will take to talk yourself out of it, figure out what that is, and be ready to talk yourself off the ledge if you find yourself on it. That's what worked for me anyway. Good luck man.

I also just read Ruf's post and that's a really good point too. My journaling usually started as a text message that I wanted to send her. Fortunately, I never did. It helped to write them out though, and I eventually realized that anything I had to say just further proved to me that I'm in no position to actually contact her. I was clearly too attached to the outcome.

[Making_A_Mark]

Originally Posted by DarkStar

When I was highly tempted to contact the girl, I did a lot of journaling to convince myself why it was a bad idea. One of the reasons was that if I really wanted her back, my best chance was to wait until I was healthy because contacting her while I'm unhealthy could quite possibly just escalate her feelings of me from simply being no longer attracted to me, to thinking I was a creep. Not to mention the damage it would do to me if I picked up on that, or if she flat out said it.

I also just read Ruf's post and that's a really good point too. My journaling usually started as a text message that I wanted to send her. Fortunately, I never did. It helped to write them out though, and I eventually realized that anything I had to say just further proved to me that I'm in no position to actually contact her. I was clearly too attached to the outcome.

OK, I like the journaling idea. I'm going to take one with me when I go, and if those feelings start to surface and get a hold of me, I'm going to sit down and write it all out as if I was going to tell her what I wanted to say. I'll use that writing to make connections with the Anderson work I've done so far, and maybe again in future exercises.

I've been putting in so much time to this stuff already, and I refuse to let myself unwind now. The only way to make use of what I learned is to apply it. I'm going to use the negative/intense feelings to propel me forward and not backward. The journal entry will only serve as a motivator for how badly change is needed in my life, and how there can be no more going on and putting myself in these abandonment/heartbreak situations.

I know my history now. It will not repeat.

[RufWarrior]

See this thread, starting at page 3, where I DID contact her, how I justified it, how stupid I sound, and what it (and did not) do for me:

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forum...t=11153&page=3

I'm pretty embarassed at all this, but there was no Anderson, Bradshaw back then. Or that Breakup book, the first book in my plan, which may be of use to you, but maybe not. I found it soon after and at least it is a good laugh, but I'd rather you get moving with Anderson than listen to the Breakup book.

[Making_A_Mark]

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

See this thread, starting at page 3, where I DID contact her, how I justified it, how stupid I sound, and what it (and did not) do for me:

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forum...t=11153&page=3

I'm pretty embarassed at all this, but there was no Anderson, Bradshaw back then. Or that Breakup book, the first book in my plan, which may be of use to you, but maybe not. I found it soon after and at least it is a good laugh, but I'd rather you get moving with Anderson than listen to the Breakup book.

Wow, I read that whole thread. It looks like you tried initiating the closure and got absolutely nothing out of it. As usual, Ruf, you seem to have already made the mistakes we so badly want to make ourselves. So I'm gonna instead choose to learn from your experiences and spend my energy on more constructive endeavors, like just having a good time in Austin with friends.

I'll sit and write only one letter if I feel I really need to. I think that will help me at least get the words out of my head so they won't be looping around all day.

I don't see any more reason to discuss the Austin girl unless my experience with her is relative to my recovery process.

[Pinkerton85]

Good work dude. I think the guys have given you solid advice on how to deal with Austin girl and I have faith in you to be able to handle whatever feelings rise up when you are there.

I have a suggestion that you might want to try to help break the snoozing cycle. I used to be a massive snoozer and the way I dealt with it was to put my alarm clock on the other side of the room, so I had to get out of bed to shut it off. Next to the alarm clock also put a glass of water that you drink as soon as you’ve turned the alarm off. You won’t want to get back into bed. Hopefully this will take care of the morning so you will be more tired at night.

[RufWarrior]

Originally Posted by Making_A_Mark

Wow, I read that whole thread. It looks like you tried initiating the closure and got absolutely nothing out of it. As usual, Ruf, you seem to have already made the mistakes we so badly want to make ourselves. So I'm gonna instead choose to learn from your experiences and spend my energy on more constructive endeavors, like just having a good time in Austin with friends.

I'll sit and write only one letter if I feel I really need to. I think that will help me at least get the words out of my head so they won't be looping around all day.

I don't see any more reason to discuss the Austin girl unless my experience with her is relative to my recovery process.

The eHarmony girl mentioned in that thread is now my wife.

As I see your answers to Chapter 2, I am resonating a bit. I still have my own issues with abandoholism. I still think every other girl is hotter or more attractive, or would be better in bed than my wife. I chose my wife because she was extremely available -- which is what I needed given all I had gone through. I think Susan Anderson would agree that's a better decision than everything else.

I wrote on Pinkerton's thread that I'm at a conference right now. Nowhere near Austin, but there are a heck of a lot of people here from Austin. This hot girl gave me some attention yesterday at the pool in the morning. In the evening though, she didn't want me to take a picture of her and seemed to avoid me. Today, I was trying to cross paths with her and she seemed to avoid me, and I've heard she's gone now. I'm taking it personally like I said something wrong. And maybe I did. She started acting distant when she saw my ring. BUT WHO CARES. At the conference dinner last night, when I felt bad, I just started looking at pictures of our baby (which my wife had sent so I would show other people, they would think she's cute, and then they would all assume then that my wife was hot stuff). I did dance with plenty of other people, but in the end, I do have safe person at home who is always available.

I've been very busy lately with a lot of conflicts in my community work, and writing a book, and work, but I think I may need some time to go back to do some of this work. Based on NGT's recommendation, I'm going to work through Anderson's newest book, since I have it but have never opened it.

But I wrote this to point out that these issues do come back and I think many of the issues with my wife stem back to what happened in the thread I referenced.

[DarkStar]

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

Based on NGT's recommendation, I'm going to work through Anderson's newest book, since I have it but have never opened it.

Looking forward to hearing your opinion of Outer Child after you work on it, Ruf. I'd like to go through it too at some point but not sure yet where I will fit it in. Perhaps I'll work on it if I answer "no" to the question asked in Step 5: "Are you ready for women?"

[DarkStar]

Originally Posted by Making_A_Mark

OK, I like the journaling idea. I'm going to take one with me when I go, and if those feelings start to surface and get a hold of me, I'm going to sit down and write it all out as if I was going to tell her what I wanted to say. I'll use that writing to make connections with the Anderson work I've done so far, and maybe again in future exercises.

I've been putting in so much time to this stuff already, and I refuse to let myself unwind now. The only way to make use of what I learned is to apply it. I'm going to use the negative/intense feelings to propel me forward and not backward. The journal entry will only serve as a motivator for how badly change is needed in my life, and how there can be no more going on and putting myself in these abandonment/heartbreak situations.

I know my history now. It will not repeat.

Nice, man. I admire your strength, determination, and wisdom. Keep kicking ass on this!

[Making_A_Mark]

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

But I wrote this to point out that these issues do come back and I think many of the issues with my wife stem back to what happened in the thread I referenced.

My conclusion is that they're less likely to come back later if I quit wasting energy dwelling on what might have been. Instead I'm going to use that energy to constructively make my future better. The more awesome my life becomes, the less likely women can phase me. Let's just hope I stick to this mentality!