Mark D is Breaking Free

[Making_A_Mark]

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

Glad you are seeing all this. Try the 3 second eye rule when you see pretty ladies on the Internet. No more than 3 seconds, and focus only on their eyes. This applies in person too.

I'll practice this often since there's no avoiding it 100%. It's also a good way to take any focus off of body parts. It gets difficult on some websites where the posts feature body parts, and those are the only subjects of the photos (like the Chive for example). Those are the kinds of pictures to consciously avoid, though.

[Making_A_Mark]

Take a little break from reading this book and think about an experience in life that left you feeling as if you had been put up on the rock. Describe.

I was recently chasing a girl I knew it couldn't work out with. She lives in another city and when I met her, we had a mutual attraction spark immediately. That spark led me into a trap where I would find myself chasing after her affections for the next few months. For a few subsequent visits, I would see her frequently and spend lots of time with her. Then she got the sense that it was going fast and she wasn't ready for it. I continued to chase despite her apprehension, but my chase was much more subtle now because I felt she wasn't ready for my affections - I found ways to sneak them in anyways.

The visits after her initial "withdrawal" were when I felt left up on the rock. Each weekend for about 3 or 4 weekends, I would go into town expecting that she would make time to see me and join me for some activity. She would sometimes not respond to me, and I would go for long periods of time wondering if she still wanted to see me or not. It was during those times that I felt abandoned, left behind. It made me grow needier and needier, especially when I did finally get to see her and do something with her.

How old were you?

24 years old

How did you feel?

I felt stunned and confused. I would wonder why she wasn't replying to my calls/texts. I wondered if she even wanted to see me - if I was important enough for her to make time for. Building this attachment to her and desperately wanting her attention/affection made me start wishing for a future with her. This is where I really put her high up on the pedestal. I felt sick in my stomach and had trouble getting a good night's sleep while I was in the city. I was mopey and couldn't look anyone in the eye because of my sadness and shame. I sacrificed meeting my own needs (I ate very little, drank very little water, and ignored my needs overall) in hopes that I could use more effort to try and win her over to me. All this confusion was because of our first few weekends together - she said she liked me, went along with me where I went, and spent so much time with me - and now things were suddenly 180 degrees different. I couldn't accept/understand the reality of the situation, and all I wanted to do was push for the reality I wanted. Of course, my emotional state turned that reality into an idealized fantasy, so I really was chasing ghosts.

I kept wondering why, after visiting the city to see her and telling her that I was in town, she showed no excitement or made no move to see me. That confusion ate me up inside and made me depressed.

Overall, this experience was just an echo of every abandonment experience I've had before in my life. I honestly have trouble remembering the first one...

Obviously, you've survived this. What strengths helped you climb down from the rock and find your way out of the forest?

What kept me going, and repeating this "left up on the rock" experience 3 or 4 times before I collapsed, was the idea that I hadn't ruined anything yet. That I could try harder and impress her more and make her miss me and want to prioritize me. It just made me try harder to win some of her time, but all that really led to was more pain the next time around.

After the last time I went through this, it was my base will to live my own life and be myself that led me out of the forest. I finally recognized that there was something fundamentally wrong to feel hurt and feel like something is wrong with me just because this girl isn't showing me the affection and giving me the attention that I want. Some base willpower to survive led me out.

Is this strength present in you today? Name this strength.

Yes. The strength is willpower, and the desire to live up to my potential. I finally realized after all that pain, frustration, and resentment that what I was doing to get what I wanted wasn't working. As a highly driven, ambitious person, I am often in pursuit of a path that will yield the highest reward. The path I was taking was yielding me only pain, so I knew I would have to try something new.

[Making_A_Mark]

What has the S.W.I.R.L. Process been like for you?

I feel that this process cycles rapidly whenever I experience it. I go quickly from shattering to withdrawal to internalizing, etc. It cycles over and over and and only starts slowing down as time passes. I hate to use this analogy but it's like a toilet flushing...eventually all the crap is drained and you're left with still water.

Shattering: What has Shattering been like? How have you handled the feelings

Within one series of SWIRLS, I will experience a handful of Shattering stages. It happens whenever my brain goes back to thinking about the reality a.k.a "she's too busy for me" or "she doesn't want to see me" or "there's no way for us to work out right now". Each time I have those thoughts, I feel the "stab" that throws me into despair and sorrow. Unfortunately, since I'm emotionally repressive, I just kind of let those emotions sink in to my body, and that's why I'll often feel it as acid in my stomach, or tension in my muscles. I don't let those feelings out easily.

Withdrawal: Describe any Withdrawal symptoms you have experienced. How have you handled the yearning and longing?

I would describe the withdrawal symptoms as an insatiable need for the attention of the girl I desire. To try and handle these feelings, I'll sit on my phone and cycle through my contacts list looking for any girl who could possibly give me the attention/affection I want in place of the ideal girl. I would find myself communicating with female friends I haven't even talked to for years, in hopes of instantly capitalizing on some untapped potential - ultimately, something to fill the void and give me my love fix.

Internalizing: What has your experience been like going through the Internalizing process? Has heartbreak hurt your self-esteem? How?

This is the stage where I start to think something is seriously wrong with me. That I'm unworthy of not only this girl's affection, but ANY girl's. Of course this only serves to make the girl I want seem more perfect and unattainable, so the pain sinks deeper and deeper, waiting to surface again another day. Because I feel so worthless, a lot of negative self-talk starts up saying that I'll never find a good girl for me, and that I will be doomed to only be with women who are damaged like me. My self-esteem takes a huge blow here, and makes me seriously question my identity.

Rage: What has Rage been like for you? Have you been able to channel your Rage constructively, or has it bottlenecked inside, creating agitation and depression?

All my rage is contained. It's never let out. I wouldn't want anyone to see me getting angry about a girl I have only known a few months. That would ruin the image of me being a mature, healthy adult. I wouldn't succumb to ruining that image, because I've spent my life building it up. My identity is attached to that image, and losing that perfect facade would mean shattering my identity.

So, of course, it all bottlenecked inside - agitation and depression become staple emotions throughout this entire process. Also, they never heal or get resolved. The pain I feel because of this girl combines with similar pains from similar situations that I've felt in every relationship. The fact that it never heals is why it keeps surfacing so strongly in such petty situations like this.

Lifting: Describe your experience with Lifting.What experiences help you lift above the pain,even if momentarily?

Occasionally, I will get a glimpse of the fact that what I'm feeling is highly out of proportion and is extreme for this situation. It makes me slowly realize that there is a deeper issue at bay, and that I need to focus all my emotions on discovering that underlying problem and solving it first. Those thoughts gave me hope. Those thoughts eventually led me here.

[Making_A_Mark]

How does the concept of swirl apply to your current life situation?

Mostly, the concept of swirl applies to me in relationships. Not just at the end of one, but all throughout! It's as if I'm swirling in anticipation of abandonment OVER and OVER. Ridiculous!

Does it apply to previous times of loss in your life? How?

Yes! It applies to every relationship I've been in, starting most intensely with the first when I didn't even know what to expect at the break-up.

Which stage of swirl do you feel you tend to get stuck in the most?

I would say a combination of withdrawal and internalizing. I seem to bounce back and forth between them consistently before moving on to rage.

How has this concept been useful to you?

It helps to break down exactly what I experienced every time I felt I lost someone I loved. "If you don't know your history, you're doomed to repeat it." Identifying it means I will be able to brace for it and handle it well in the future.

[Making_A_Mark]

Take a moment to reflect on your own unique style of the mini-swirl. Can you think of a recent instance that caused one?

Yes. When doing my BFE #1, I listed my younger brother as a safe person. In an effort to get him to help me with this, I gave him the NMMNG book and asked him to read the intro and first chapter to help understand what I'll need from him.

He never did it, and still hasn't.

I last asked him about a week ago. He said "I haven't gotten to it yet." I felt the shattering, as if his own brother wasn't important enough for him and he was just leaving me hanging. Then the withdrawal - where I had the urge to remind him and tell him to do it, please. Then internalizing that he simply won't. Then rage that my own brother can't take this seriously. Finally, I experienced lifting when I realized I don't need him to, and I can get along fine without him being a safe person.

Were you conscious of overreacting at the time?

No - only now when I reflect on it.

What was this mini-swirl like for you? Can you identify any of its stages, however subtle? If so, which stage was most difficult?

I listed them all above. I think the shattering/withdrawal stages were the worst of it. The rage was a little overwhelming but I'm so used to absorbing rage into my body that it's become second nature. So really I just feel more tense for it.

How do you handle mini-swirls?

They cycle through quickly and settle down but overall are not resolved. So each new swirl conjures up feelings from the last one, and they will trace back to the last biggest abandonment experience in my life.

How would you like to handle the next one?

By identifying each stage and understand it for what it is. Also by knowing that there is a lifting stage where everything will be OK.

Ultimately, I need to be conscious that it is OK to have my feelings, and to let them run their course.

[DarkStar]

Originally Posted by Making_A_Mark

How does the concept of swirl apply to your current life situation?

Mostly, the concept of swirl applies to me in relationships. Not just at the end of one, but all throughout! It's as if I'm swirling in anticipation of abandonment OVER and OVER. Ridiculous!

Good observation. I'm not sure if I made that connection when I was reading about SWIRL. But it's so true, and that's why I'm glad I got cut loose. No amount of trying to play it cool could have overcome the power of the SWIRL, and even if I could have played it off, it wouldn't have been worth it for the internal damage I was doing to myself.

[Making_A_Mark]

Originally Posted by DarkStar

Good observation. I'm not sure if I made that connection when I was reading about SWIRL. But it's so true, and that's why I'm glad I got cut loose. No amount of trying to play it cool could have overcome the power of the SWIRL, and even if I could have played it off, it wouldn't have been worth it for the internal damage I was doing to myself.

Ironically, the smoother you "play it off" the more you're hurting yourself...It's such a relief to recognize this!

And trust me, I've gotten damn good at "playing it off" as if I've been in control of my feelings the whole time. Now I'm really feeling the repercussions.

[Making_A_Mark]

I'm going to take a short break before moving on and read other people's Anderson work. I can't believe how personal my responses got, and I bet lots of you guys experienced very similar stuff in SWIRL.

Here's a new insight:

The more personal the feelings are to me, the more I'm noticing that the feelings are really universal. Hence such similarities in NG traits and the ability to concretely define such a concept as NG.

This has got to be a man-epidemic of sorts

[SuchABaller]

Originally Posted by Making_A_Mark

I'm going to take a short break before moving on and read other people's Anderson work. I can't believe how personal my responses got, and I bet lots of you guys experienced very similar stuff in SWIRL.

Oh you bet, that's the power of starting all this inner work.

I personally think Susan Anderson is a witch, but hell whatever works. It was definitely worth it to me.

I look forward to seeing your journey!

[Making_A_Mark]

I'm copying the questions from DarkStar's thread.

Chapter 1: Centering

p 20

Check the items you agree with.

__X__ The intense feelings of Shattering are temporary.
_____The intensity is natural and universal to human beings.
__X__In fact, there is a biochemical basis for feeling so wounded and afraid.
__X__Childhood losses remain imprinted in my brain and are being reignited by my current experience of abandonment.
_____These deeply personal feelings are the tools with which I will construct my healing.
__X__By staying in the moment I will learn to manage my pain.
__X___Progressing through recovery, I will eventually come to view Shattering as a gift, an opportunity for a fuller self to emerge, a chance for a whole new life to start, an awakening.
__X__By facing my personal truths and maintaining a vision for a better future, I will learn to increase my capacity for love and connection.


p 21

What would entertaining the Power of Possibility mean in your life?

Once, when I first experienced abandonment/loss, the glimpses of a world where I could grieve my loss and get over it were far and wide.

Now, as I discover all this work, I'm realizing that it's possible to not just grieve and deal with the pain, but to use it to make me a better person overall. In that sense, I'm seeing that it really is a gift to experience this pain and suffering, because it allowed me to find a better path for myself in the long run.

Give yourself some credit for persevering through this difficult time.

I feel my whole life has been pain. I've been in survival mode as long as I can remember. From back in my childhood witnessing my parents throw things at each other, threaten each other, and then go months without talking...I've been in survival mode. The pain has been there, and I know that I must be strong to have dealt with it until now. I have more resilience than I know, and now it's time to recognize that and use it to my advantage.

p 23

Mind Body Checklist

Check the symptoms that apply to you.

FOURTEEN SCIENTIFIC TIDBITS

__X___I can't sleep because the steady secretions of stress hormones create a sustained nocturnal vigil.
__X___I can't eat because my digestive energy is shunted to major muscle groups for battle strength.
_____Alternately, I am ravenously hungry because glucocorticoid stress hormones build up in my bloodstream and stimulate appetite to help sustain nutrients for ongoing self-defense.
_____My eyes feel weak; I experience changes in depth perception because my pupils dilate to pinpoint my enemy at a distance.
__X___I have a tendency to sigh because respiration becomes shallow to enable me to detect sounds of danger above the sound of my own breathing.
__X__I am preoccupied with old losses, rejections, and heartbreaks because my amygdala sent a relay to other brain stations to sort through related memory banks of earlier experiences to provide life-saving information.
__X___I jump at the slightest noise; I can hear his car on faraway streets because the cochlear receptors in my inner ears increase their capacity to detect faraway sounds to aid in self-protection.
_____I feel enraged; I want to lash out because my amygdala activated a self-defense response and I am in the fight phase of the Four F's of Survival.
_____I can't move forward, can't make decisions, feel stunned, dazed, immobilized because I'm in the freeze phase of the Four F's of Survival.
_____I feel a frequent urge to masturbate because I am in the fourth phase of the Four F's of Survival.
_____I have a strained, possibly higher pitched voice because my vocal cords tighten to emit distinctive sounds of fright to signal my allies that danger is present.
__X___I have a high pulse rate and high blood pressure because more oxygen and blood nutrients are needed to fuel my battle performance.
_____I run to the bathroom because my body is voiding its waste products to make me lighter on my feet to better fight my enemy or sprint away from him.
__X___I flinch easily because stress hormones surge to increase my response time, allowing me to dart out of the way of a hurled rock.


p24

Take a moment to consider your current mind-body state. Write a phrase or sentence that
describes some of your current feelings and how they seem to manifest in your body.

Anxiety is the primary one. I worry about so many trivial things - it manifests in my perfectionism and my unconscious need to do everything right. So that I can avoid criticism and more pain.

The constant anxiety ultimately makes me feel tired. I feel my overall energy to be suppressed, and sometimes I feel like an old man even though I'm only 24.

How do these feelings interfere in your life?

This chronic tiredness hurts my motivation to be productive and be active. It's just something I've gotten used to, though, and I tend to ignore it these days.

Name a strength you use to cope with them.

Again, my willpower to do things despite my anxiety keeps me functioning normally. But like any of your muscles, willpower gets burnt out, especially towards the end of the day. I can't rely on willpower alone to balance out my negative feelings.

p25

To assess your current level of shame, explore these questions:

Are you able to accept the automatic (autonomic) nature of your response to your loss or do you fault yourself because your emotions are too out of control?

I fault myself. I do feel my emotions are out of control. The way I was raised, out of control emotions are frowned upon and are a signal that something is seriously wrong with me as a person.

Describe what aspects of your current situation cause you to feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed.

I'm humiliated because I was so excited about the girl, and the prospect that I was "with her," that I introduced her to my friends and family to get their approval as well.

I feel guilty because I still chased her, even though she was honest since the beginning and told me her situation. All the signs pointed to it not working out, but I chose to ignore them and press on anyways. I feel it's my fault that I pursued her anyways and put myself in this position.

Finally, I feel shame whenever someone asks me how she and I are doing together. I have to tell them that it didn't work out. They are shocked and wonder why because we got along so well and it was a relationship ended right before it got to start. The fact that it ended so quickly makes me feel ashamed and incapable of holding on to a decent girl. I start to think that I am failure.

Do you blame yourself for your breakup?

Yes. I blame myself for ignoring the signs, and not having the self-control to recognize that the circumstances were awful to pursue anything romantic. Yet my neediness kept pushing me forward anyways.

Does self-blame engender feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy?

Very much so. Unworthiness and inadequacy describe it perfectly.

Give yourself a message of self-acceptance for withstanding such difficult feelings.

Accepting the outcome of this situation is still so hard, but I'll try anyways.

Just because I blame myself and I'm feeling these feelings, I am still the resilient, strong-willed person I've always been. I accept that these feelings are normal, and that I'm not a deficient/bad person for feeling them.

What strengths do you use to prevent heartbreak from damaging your sense of self worth?

My inner masculinity and ambition for something better. It tells me that she's not worth the pain, that I am a man and I am the selector. She doesn't get to choose me or discard me - that power is mine and mine alone.

[Making_A_Mark]

Chapter 1: Centering (cont'd)

p27

Take a moment to check the items that, in spite of your amygdala's state of emergency, your cognitive mind can now accept as true.

__X__I am an able-bodied adult.
__X__I can stand on my own two feet.
__X__I can survive on my own.
__X__I can turn my life in a positive direction.


Dear Emotional Brain,

Whereas I appreciate your attempts to defend me from what you believe is a threat to my life, I want to reassure you that....

This isn't the end of the world as I know it. There will be more girls who will come along in due time. You are fine on your own, and have so much going for you - there is no reason to slow down on account of this girl not wanting to be with you. Now you have time for your own hobbies, and you can focus on meeting your own needs as much as you want. No one will bother you or distract you.


[b]p28



Stating your fears helps you face them. Name a few of your own fears:

I'll never find a girl who gets along with me as well as she did, and has the same background as me.

I'm doomed to only be with girls who are somewhat damaged like me.

I'll be abandoned by every girl I show affection to or get excited about.



p29

It also helps to share your fears with a good friend-someone who is a good listener and wont try to "fix" it. It may be difficult, though, to find someone who can bear to listen to your dire circumstances without wanting to talk you out of your feelings. Friends and family often tend to give simplistic advice, dismissing the gravity of your situation, because they can see what you can't while in the midst of your crisis - that your fears are feelings, not facts. They also may want to deny the pain because abandonment-everyone's worst nightmare - hits them too close to home. Tell your friends or family that you need someone to just sit with you during your pain, listen without giving advice, and be on hand to support your struggle.

The most important thing I gained from sharing my fears with a friend was

That my fears are common in guys like me, but they are unfounded because there are just so many women out there.

The most helpful thing a friend said to me was

"Life is too short and no one gets out alive anyways - why waste any precious time worrying about one girl?"

The most non-empathetic thing a friend said to me was

"That sucks, man."



p30

Take a break from reading and think about the earliest time you can remember feeling at peace and entirely calm within yourself.

I honestly...I can't remember any time I've ever really been calm, or at peace. I've been sitting here for a while now just trying to dig through memories. There are some times I enjoyed, but my mind was always racing with something, or worrying somehow.

I can't answer these questions right now...

How old were you?


Where were you? Who were you with? Were you alone?


What were the special circumstances of this peaceful memory?

Describe the peaceful experience.

Now close your eyes and go inside. Place your hands over your chest to help you center in. See if you can find this feeling again. Can you find peacefulness within? Does it feel familiar? Or is it new? Describe.


I guess this is something I need to find. I can't find a place like that - it's too unfamiliar for me and the unfamiliarity makes it the opposite of a peaceful place.

How can centering help you cope with your Shattering experience?

Well, if I have a peaceful place where I was alone, then I could find solace in being alone and see it as an opportunity to be alone in peace.

p31

What uncomfortable feelings must you make your way through to feel peaceful and free inside?

Anxiety, fear, pain, sorrow

Can you get to the very center where you experience a protected internal place?

No

What is it like?

I don't know because I can't find a place like that


p32

Finding your peaceful inner center is easier when life is going smoothly. When you're going through the initial stages of abandonment, it can feel as if the very center of yourself had been shattered, making it quite a challenge to discover the peace that resides deep within yourself. Don't give up. Begin by imagining what an ideal internal space would feel like. Describe.


I'm having difficulty doing this exercise.

What strengths help you find your center?


Describe what feelings and thoughts come to you while centering.

[Making_A_Mark]

Chapter 1 (cont'd)

p34-35 Back to the Future

Describe the chair, room, view, and feelings of your futuristic scene.

I'm in my library/study with a good book in my hand. I'm sitting in a leather lounge chair, one of those that's in a permanent reclining position and is difficult to get out of. I'm facing a huge window that allows me to overview a lake or some body of water.

It's Sunday and the sun is going down. I'm about to open the book and get lost in reading, but before I do, I smile in reflection of a satisfying weekend full of activities and with the greatest of friends. I'm single, but have a number of women I could call up for company if I felt so inclined. I'm seeing several simultaneously, each of whom I perceive to be high quality. But I'm 26 at this time - I'm still young and even though I can have any girl I want, my standards on her personality/character are high and I'm not in a habit of settling for less. My life is fulfilling in so many ways already that getting women is just a bonus - I don't necessarily need them around. Ultimately, I feel satisfied and whole - as if there's nothing I need. I feel my direction in life is true, and even though there will be obstacles, I'll be able to get through anything and still be able to sit down and read at the end of it all.

Before I open my book and wind down on this relaxing Sunday evening, I take a deep breath and hope this time of my life never ends.


In contemplating the scene, describe what changed in your life that enabled you to feel this happy and fulfilled two years from now.

My anxiety will have diminished, only arising when it needs to (which is mostly never). I will have learned to experience and cherish abundance. To have more than I know what to do with. I will have found my own purpose.

Name some of your current problems that you had to move out of the way.

My repressed emotions, toxic shame/co-dependency, and fear/doubt - all which serve to cloud my ability to see the path I want to follow.

Can you identify the main obstacle you had to overcome to achieve this fulfillment?

Toxic shame

Name a specific action you might have taken to remove this obstacle.

Healing the toxic shame so that I can truly accept myself.

Action Vow: Within the next twenty-four hours, I will...

Diligently continue this recovery work, because it's the first step in finding my purpose.

p38

Check all that apply.

__X__Am I determined to move beyond my emotional challenges and scale my prison walls of isolation, shame,and grief?
__X__Am I ready to put an end to my self-sabotage?
__X__Do I have the will to find the love I've always wanted?
__X__Can I reach my potential as a human being?
__X__Will I put in the effort?
__X__Will I work to get there?
__X__Will I persevere even when I'm discouraged?
__X__Am I ready to follow through?

Write a statement that commits your solid determination to achieve your goals. I will...

I will heal my shame, and learn to accept myself truly and fully. To accept that I am how I am, and some people will like it and some people won't. I will separate from my family role, not to abandon them, but so that one day I can come back as my own man, one that provides for them out of abundance, not out of obligation.

I am committed to finding my own purpose, and learning that I can handle anything that's thrown my way. I'm committed to making this purpose the most important thing in my life.

What do you fear is always going to happen to you? What will always be a problem in your life?

That my insecurities don't get resolved, at that I constantly fall short of what I want because of them. Even worse, that my insecurities will paralyze so that I can't make progress, and I get stuck in one routine that I have to live out for the rest of my life.

What do you fear is never going to happen?

I'm afraid I will spend so much of my life trying to find my purpose and never finding it, and then finding myself in old age, regretful. All I want is something to look back and smile about.


Will continuing to believe in the "always and nevers" of your situation block you from moving forward? If so, how?

No. They don't keep me from moving forward. In fact, they push me to move forward at an explosive pace.

This is because I'm a strong-willed person. I refuse to let those fears become reality.


Are these fears realistic? How can you keep them from becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Yes, they are realistic. I can keep them from becoming reality by being conscious as much as possible throughout my wakeful life. The more I find myself unconscious and letting things happen to me - the more realistic those fears will become. Rather, I need to be cognizant of my path - as long as I follow it, the fears will diminish and become only idealizations of a life gone completely awry.


What strengths and insights are you using?

I'm using will-power and determination. I'm also using clear-headed thinking - thinking with certainty.

Do you feel that being rejected by someone you love is a negative reflection on you? Write a compassionate, empathetic note to yourself, accepting the humanness and dignity of your current situation.

Dear Worthy Self,

I understand that she didn't want a romantic relationship with you, even though she showed interest in you and led you on to believe you two would be something great. It was natural for you to want something more, too.

But you're a valuable person, and there's no reason to get hung up on her as if she's the only one out there for you. You still have your pride, and it's incredible that you've gone through what you have and still been able to come out on top. So keep climbing, higher and higher, and eventually you will have all the fulfillment you need and nothing will be able to take that away from you - especially not some girl.

Shattering is a journey to the center of the self. Thanks to your abandonment, your oldest needs and feelings have reawakened. What strengths help deal with your primal self?

Knowledge. Just knowing that there are other ways to meet my needs myself, without needing anyone to do it for me. And, of course, the will to find how to meet those needs.

p40

What earlier experiences contributed to these feelings?

Well, if the feelings are neediness, loneliness, etc...

Then being the invisible child really contributed to those feelings.

Which issues and feelings from the past are you currently working on?

Being the invisible child because of my toxic shame. The toxic shame causes anxiety, loneliness, depression, unworthiness, etc.


How can this benefit your life?

Knowing where I come from, and knowing it well, gives me the opportunity to change it all around. The pain won't be in vein.


Shattering means you've hit an emotional bottom. This bottom can help you transform your life. It's up to you to discover the larger purpose of your current turmoil. What is this experience calling for you to change?

It's calling on me to discover myself. To discover my identity. And that process starts with accepting myself truly and fully.


How does it benefit your personal growth to develop a larger purpose for your problems?

Having a larger purpose gives me something to focus on - something that is in my control to attain. Nobody can stop me from attaining that purpose.

[RufWarrior]

I'm glad you are doing this work.

Just want to make sure that you are reading threads on the Marriage board here, and that you are reading the new articles (stickies) that Dr. Glover is writing.

[HustleAndFlow]

Originally Posted by Making_A_Mark

Describe the chair, room, view, and feelings of your futuristic scene.

I'm in my library/study with a good book in my hand. I'm sitting in a leather lounge chair, one of those that's in a permanent reclining position and is difficult to get out of. I'm facing a huge window that allows me to overview a lake or some body of water.

It's Sunday and the sun is going down. I'm about to open the book and get lost in reading, but before I do, I smile in reflection of a satisfying weekend full of activities and with the greatest of friends. I'm single, but have a number of women I could call up for company if I felt so inclined. I'm seeing several simultaneously, each of whom I perceive to be high quality. But I'm 26 at this time - I'm still young and even though I can have any girl I want, my standards on her personality/character are high and I'm not in a habit of settling for less. My life is fulfilling in so many ways already that getting women is just a bonus - I don't necessarily need them around. Ultimately, I feel satisfied and whole - as if there's nothing I need. I feel my direction in life is true, and even though there will be obstacles, I'll be able to get through anything and still be able to sit down and read at the end of it all.

Before I open my book and wind down on this relaxing Sunday evening, I take a deep breath and hope this time of my life never ends.

Good work, all the way around. Particularly the bold. You'll get there.

[Making_A_Mark]

Journey From Heartbreak to Connection

Chapter 2: Cleansing

p47

Have you suspected that any of your friends are looking for love in all the wrong places?

Absolutely.

Name an example.

One of my female friends, S, is attracted to weak, unmotivated potheads. She thinks she can fix them, and I can tell part of her likes to be needed. So she lets them freeload, live with her, and do absolutely nothing with their lives.

How did it make you feel to watch her push someone away just because he didn't stir up the right chemistry-when you suspected all along that this person might have been right for her and brought her security?


I felt annoyed. Almost as if I should tell her "you could have done way better with X."

How did you feel watching your friend pursue an abandoner?

Frustrated. Partly because she's so oblivious to what she's doing, and also partly because I know I should tell her but I'm too much of a NG to be that blunt, especially since she's been with the guy for a couple of years now.

Do you think there was ever an instance in which love showed up in your own life and you weren't able to see it? Describe.

I'm sure there have been instances, but I was too oblivious to recall when. College would have been the time, but there were so many people coming in and out of my life I wouldn't be able to keep track.

Did any of your friends recognize it, even when you couldn't?

If they did, no one told me. I have lots of NG friends too.

What potential benefit does considering these insights have in your life?

It gives me motivation to do what a better friend would do and tell it like it is instead of worrying about whether I'll lose that person as a friend for speaking my mind.

It also makes me prone to open up my standards a bit for what kind of girl I find attractive so that I can start trying "types" that I otherwise would have ignored.

p48

Check all those that seem familiar.

____She just doesn't turn me on.
____I don't feel any chemistry.
_____She's too nice to hold my interest.
____I need more of a challenge.
____I feel nauseous whenever she tries to get closer.

p49

Check off all that might possibly be true for you:

__X___I choose unavailable partners who keep me insecure.
_____Insecurity is my favorite aphrodisiac.
__X___I am afraid to risk the closeness of a real relationship.
__X___I feel attracted only when I'm in pursuit.
_____I need hot, fresh, new love to keep me always on the move for the next relationship.
_____I feel engulfed when someone wants me.
__X__I have unrealistic expectations of my partners.
__X__I think I haven't found the right person.
_____I wouldn't join any club who would have me as a member.
____I need an emotional challenge to sustain my interest.


p54

Dig deep, be honest, and check all that apply.

IF I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES, IT COULD BE THAT:

__X__I'm unable to tolerate the sober dynamics of a mature relationship?
____I'm accustomed to being on the outside looking in - it's an emotional state I'm familiar
with?
__X__I'm a perfectionist and this causes me to reject imperfect, yet realistic, candidates?
__X___I prefer the ideal relationships in my mind to realistic flesh-and-blood ones?
__XXX__My inner child is so lonely it smothers my lovers with too much neediness?
____I obsess about my ex because it is the only way I can maintain any connection with her even
though it keeps me in pain?
__X__I'm emotionally clinging to the past to avoid taking a new risk?
__X___I'm not able to handle the emotional responsibility of being needed and wanted?
____I'm unable to make decisions, to commit?
____I'm afraid of someone getting too close to me for fear he will engulf me with his needs and
expectations?
__X__I have a poor self-image and can't tolerate any obvious shortcomings in my partners, as if her
flaws reflected directly on me?
____I seek unrealistically attractive partners to compensate for something I don't like about
myself, trying to gain self-worth by proxy?
_____I don't know how to appreciate a mutual relationship because without the lovesick feelings, I feel bored and empty?