How I'm Using The STFU Technique

[Boyd]

I've had some great successes with the STFU technique in my life lately!

Saying what I need to say, then STFU on the extra blah blah blah that used to stem from my social anxiety.

Recognizing that some people can be overwhelmed with too much interaction early in getting to know them, and using STFU to let them participate in the slow building and back and forth of social interactions.

Seeing an opportunity to help out, but not having been directly asked to solve the need, and using the STFU technique for a few days to really give myself a chance to think it over.

Asking open-ended questions and using STFU to let the other person talk at their pace, and to divulge information at their comfort level.

The direct results are that my friendships are developing, I haven't over-committed myself (like I have a history of doing) despite plenty of opportunity, I'm listening at LEAST twice as much as I'm talking...

So far so good. It sure will be nice when STFU is the natural response instead of what feels like stifling my inner blurt (which I've been practicing for years BTW, now it's time to practice STFU for a while).

Yay!

[chevy1947]

+1

I agree, say what you need to say then that's enough

the more you try to explain why or defend why the less and less it seems that
what you just said has merit or conviction.

[Brohamb]

My biggest hang-up is asking employees to work extra/odd hours. I just say, "I need you to work XXX." In the past I would go on for a bit but now I just say it and that's it. STFU, put the shovel to the side. In the past year I've gotten a lot better expressing myself--I find that in boundary-setting or order giving it is best to just say it and let it simmer. Didn't think of it as STFU method, though. This will help me get past my hang-ups.

[Just_Hilts]

I'm a journalist, and I often record my phone interviews. I'm amazed at how much babble are contained in my questions. I've been trying to work on just stating the question and waiting for the answer, rather than babbling on to fill the silence that comes just before someone answers.

[OnceANiceGuy]

Strongly agree.

I negotiate for a living and learned a long time ago that he who speaks first loses. Make the point and shut up.

In my personal life, I used to blab like a school girl - WTF?

See my problem, fix my problem.

[bootstrapped]

It's been huge for me, especially in dealing with wifey. Very powerful technique when you STFU + really try to listen for the nuggets of truth + try to be fully aware of their words, body language, etc. That may sound like too much work, but it becomes 2nd nature with practice.

Before I yanked my head out of my azz, my interactions would be more...thinking of what I could say next while the other person was talking, going round and round with explain/defend, not learning a damn thing from the conversation/interaction, etc.

[TophFletch]

Originally Posted by chevy1947

+1

I agree, say what you need to say then that's enough

the more you try to explain why or defend why the less and less it seems that
what you just said has merit or conviction.

I'm not exactly a Dr Glover disciple but I love his DEER way of dealing with things.

DEER means: never defend, explain, excuse or rationalize.

Because they are all just responses really derived from fear. Isn't it funny how when we do it we think we're tough guys standing up for ourselves when we get too defensive? Then a day or two later we see that response came from the opposite part of the brain, weakness and fear.

Though he's just referring to relationship partners or women we date, DEER has become priceless to me even than WISNIFG in areas aside from dating. Areas that have nothing to do with the woman I'm in a great relationship with.

I don't think this LTR would be such a dream come true if I didn't use DEER when needed. Isn't funny how if you don't defend yourself you get either a quick apology or one like I got last night with a kiss on my head in a public transit train when I last used DEER 15 hours ago.

Though DEER has gotten me better love from my partner than when we were first dating five years ago, when I forgot all about the priceless DEER advisement that Glover made for those situations.

Glover would totally agree with Chevy that you are indeed losing merit/conviction on what your saying if keep trying explain or justify your point.

[Montecristo]

Originally Posted by Boyd

I've had some great successes with the STFU technique in my life lately!

Saying what I need to say, then STFU on the extra blah blah blah that used to stem from my social anxiety.

Yesterday I had to give a spontaneous and unscheduled lecture to about 20 professionals about some cultural differences between America and China.
I was concerned about what to say as I had no time to prepare anything.
I could notice exactly what you said happening, about babbling.
I felt I talked too much, fast and on and on in the beginning of my presentation, I guess may have been due to a bit of social anxiety. I might even have blushed somewhat in the beginning.

I was expected to put up quite a performance and did it so, however it feels a little tiresome and unnatural for an introvert like myself.
Lesson learned, next time I will make a few points, and go to STFU mode and then to taking questions.

[ConfidenceMan]

I say I am a DEER novice having only just started practicing. In meeting with the STBX-W, I witnessed success. We are trying to get most of the details organized ourselves for the divorce agreement. I would say that the first and most obvious statement that you never have to DEER is an, "I feel..." statement.

STBX-W says, "I feel blah blah blah..."

I say, "I can see that you feel blah blah blah. I also feel blah blah blah."

STBX-W says, "No, you bleh bleh bloh."

I say, "I feel <repeat> <STFU>"

Stoney stare. Point made. Topic over. I cannot push that rock any farther up the hill, and further talk will just be backward slippage/invalidation..

[Randal]

Originally Posted by Just_Hilts

I'm a journalist, and I often record my phone interviews. I'm amazed at how much babble are contained in my questions. I've been trying to work on just stating the question and waiting for the answer, rather than babbling on to fill the silence that comes just before someone answers.

Man did this hit the nail on the head. I am a Journalism major doing interviews for stories and I find myself doing this all the time. I think some of it though is to be clear. I consider myself pretty smart and others pretty dumb in general...lol. Poor position to start from I think.

At any rate, it is valuable to know that someone in the field is suffering from this too and, recognizing it, making adjustments.

[Randal]

Originally Posted by bootstrapped

It's been huge for me, especially in dealing with wifey. Very powerful technique when you STFU + really try to listen for the nuggets of truth + try to be fully aware of their words, body language, etc. That may sound like too much work, but it becomes 2nd nature with practice.

Before I yanked my head out of my azz, my interactions would be more...thinking of what I could say next while the other person was talking, going round and round with explain/defend, not learning a damn thing from the conversation/interaction, etc.

Big thumbs up on this one.

[Randal]

Noob to this forum. Seeing some acronyms that are alien I get the concepts once you spell them out though. Thanks for that.

It seems to me that there is power in silence and holding your ground, unwavering. It has an important psychological connotation...you are in control of YOU. Unaffected by the storm around you, not many people have that these days I think.

[Boyd]

I'm going to enter upon a moratorium I can't find the name for right now (suggestions welcome), using the STFU technique.

I've actually kind of been working on this unofficially for the past 4 months or so, so I'm not starting with no practice in place.

This is for myself, because I want to make a change in my internal boundaries that allows me to attract more people who are "good connectors" into my life. Friends, lovers, teachers, students, and one day, a significant other.

It's going to look like this:

I'm going to set the internal boundary that while I will read and consider and do my best to find nuggets of truth to appreciate in people's advice, I will only answer questions that are asked directly to me. (in the threads I start)

I appreciate that some posters may not want to participate on my threads that way (that is, ones started by me), and I appreciate that I cannot stop anyone from posting in any way they desire. My boundary is simply that "unless there's a question posed, I will only read/consider/look for truth nugget but not Defend, Explain, Excuse or Rationalize my behavior.

I may or may not textually acknowledge that I've read/considered/looked for the truth nugget, but I'll do it to the best of my ability, whether or not I acknowledge that it's been done. Future action is the best way to really know anyway.

Got questions for me? I'll do my best to answer them. Hard ones especially.

I'm going to do this moratorium for a week and write about it here, but I expect it to go well and I expect to continue it in some form or other past that week. Maybe a slightly watered down version, as moratoriums are always a little extreme, to reset old habits.

Boyd