DarkStar's Breaking Free Activities

[DarkStar]

Originally Posted by HustleAndFlow

Haha, I think thats tradition on St. Patricks Day tho. Maybe we'll just have to take the next week off to pay for St Pattys Day hah.

LOL. Good point. I think there is an exemption clause in the rules pertaining to green beer.

[DarkStar]

So I had a craving after dinner and decided instead of having some alkeehol, I'd make some coffee. That should help me get through Chapter 8 of Anderson. Maybe next time I'll try some tea.

[DarkStar]

Wow the Akeru Exercise III, the Dream House, is pretty challenging for me. I've never considered myself very artistically creative so coming up with a vision of an amazing house and describing it is pretty tough. I'm cheating a bit by doing some Google image searches for different mansions.

Perhaps I am being held back here by a Nice Guy urge to "do it right" by wanting to conjure up and describe this Dream House too gracefully and eloquently which may be a stretch for me. Gotta figure out how to adapt it to my limited architectural skills. Might need to come back to this one tomorrow.

[HustleAndFlow]

Originally Posted by DarkStar

Procrastination-Abandonment Survivors' Number One Downfall

I recall that I had seen a couple of Dr. Glover's threads on procrastination before, so I looked them up and I'm going to place them here in my thread for reference:

Overcome Procrastination

Driven to Distraction

Glad you posted these, I have a problem with this as well.

So I had a craving after dinner and decided instead of having some alkeehol, I'd make some coffee. That should help me get through Chapter 8 of Anderson.

Good job on this. My plan is to do the same, either find something else to drink, like juice or coffee, or to try to do some activity, maybe lift weights, when I feel the urge to drink. I like that idea.

[DarkStar]

Holy geez, Chapter 8 took me forever and a day. The Dream House was pretty challenging for me. Well, here we go...

[DarkStar]

Journey From Heartbreak to Connection

Chapter 8: Letting Go

Letting go reinvests your energy in new opportunities. Until you face an ending, you delay the beginning of your new life: Akeru. ... Once you gain acceptance of the unchangeable, you can move forward.

Letting go allows you to stop fighting your feelings-especially anxiety, grief, and insecurity. Accept these feelings as belonging to a precious inner presence-to Little You. Little You needs your love, acceptance, and devotion. Rather than fight her feelings, address them. Administer to the needs that underlie them-work through them-rather than wage an internal war against them. Remain deeply committed to Little.

An unrealistic expectation is a premeditated resentment.

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Think about the last time you were disappointed by someone's response to you. Describe.

I'm going to go back to Bertha on this one, since I've been trying not to have expectations of people or covert contracts since then. It was the night that would become the beginning of the end for me, maybe not in her mind, but in mine, and she followed my lead. I shot myself in the foot, and she let me bleed out.

So anyway I had just spent the day with her when she was sick (bad move). I didn't do it to caretake, I actually enjoyed her company. Anyway, the next morning I left and I guess by later that night she was feeling better. I was out with my friends, and texted her to see if she felt like coming out. She replied no and later asked if I wanted to come out with her friends. I asked when they'd be going. It took several hours (2 or 3, I forget now) to hear back from her and she said, "leaving right now".

By that time I was already butt hurt that she didn't get back to me sooner so I could figure out my evening. Since I hadn't heard back and was resenting her for it, I just proceeded to drink with my friends, thereby ensuring that I'd be unable to come out with her, since I would be beyond the level at which I'm willing to drive. It was sort of my stupid little way of punishing her. In my mind I thought I was doing the right thing by doing my own thing but my reasons were all wrong.

When she finally got back, I ignored her text, thinking well if she takes so long to get back to me, I should do the same. But that wasn't really true to me. I was playing a game when I didn't have to, and in the end, I lost.

Do you usually feel good about your side of the equation-how you treat others?

I usually do, yes. But obviously there are times where I don't.

Are there strings attached when you are treating someone well? In other words, do you deliver kindness free of expectations or do you hope to get some recognition in return? Explain what usually motivates your kind deeds.

Well, I thought I delivered kindness free of expectations but apparently the expectations are there. Hanging out with her when she was sick wasn't done with expectation in my mind, but maybe after I left I sub-consciously expected that it had somehow brought us closer. And actually maybe it did but that closeness scared her off.

In general, maybe kindness does come from the golden rule and "treating someone how you want to be treated" leads to expecting to be treated that way, which is a covert contract.

Do your expectations of others ever lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, hurt? Explain.

Yes, a really great quote from this chapter is, "an unrealistic expectation is a premeditated resentment". Not only do expectations set you up for disappointment when you get an undesired outcome but I think they can also cause an undesired outcome. When someone feels your expectation it can feel very needy and manipulative, and this can lead them to want to pull back. The might oblige you the first couple of times but eventually they won't be able to take it anymore.

Consider a time when you were kind, generous, or loving to someone without having expectations of how they responded to you. Were you able to honor yourself for your positive behavior instead of looking to them for acknowledgment? Describe.

Wow, I had trouble with this one. I guess anytime I do something for my pet or my parents, although my parents typically acknowledge it, and my cat gives me unconditional love.

With chores around the house, I try to do a good job when it's my turn and sort of go the extra mile and do a little extra even though I know no one will probably notice and I don't expect others to do the same.

Sometimes if I find something I think a friend might like, I'll recommend it or get it for them, or link them over or whatever. I do it because I don't want them to miss out on whatever it is that they might not have seen, and I think I generally am able to honor myself for it.

Think about what is unchangeable about your current situation-at least in the moment-and open your hand in a gesture of letting go. Describe the feelings that come up.

I am imperfect. I have flaws and I do not currently have all the skills I want to the degree that I want them today. I won't be dating for a while, which means I won't be getting laid for a while (and it has already been a while). These are not things I can change in the moment and some of them will never change (I will never be "perfect"). People will never act exactly how I'd like them ideally to act.

It is a relief to let go of these things because it is just needless suffering to be bothered by things that are not directly within my control. I can work on the skills that improve my chances to get what I want but some of it (such as timing) will depend on exactly that, chance. So letting go brings relief and frees up energy that would have been wasted in the anxiety that comes with expectation.

Can letting go help you reach better closure? How?

Yes because closure is not needed. My last relationship ended earlier than it probably would have had to because I felt like I was holding my breath waiting to figure out where I stood after my string of neediness. I needed closure because I had expectations of where I wanted things to go. If I had just let go a lot earlier, I wouldn't have needed closure and the door to the interaction probably wouldn't have closed either.

How can you apply letting go to other areas of your life?

By keeping in mind that there is only so much we can control. We can control what we do, how we react but we cannot control what others do and how they react. The best way to spend energy identify and focus on what we control, and leave the rest up to chance.

Abandonment Grief

Not all relationships are cloaked in the time-honored institution of marriage and family. Perhaps you'd been together only a few months. In this case, your grief-recognized as heartbreak-may seem trivial to the larger world.

Ding ding ding. Try one month. Uggh.

Because death was not involved, there is no finality to your loss-no absolute closure. This delays the process of letting go. Ambiguity generates false hope and prolongs the agonizing period of searching and waiting. You wait for your lost love to return well beyond what your friends and family may deem appropriate.

[DarkStar]

Journey From Heartbreak to Connection

Chapter 8: Letting Go (cont'd)

Following is a list of additional elements that make abandonment grief especially difficult.

HOW ABANDONMENT GRIEF DIFFERS FROM OTHER FORMS OF BEREAVEMENT

Check those you identify with.

__X__My loved one is not lost to my friends or family, but only to me.

This further isolates you in your grief.

_____I am not granted bereavement leave from work. (I am fortunate enough to be not working at the moment.)

Unless you seek consideration for extenuating circumstances-and usually only if you were married or have children to make arrangements for, this won't happen.

__X__I feel disinclined to tell co-workers and acquaintances about the circumstances of my emotional crisis.

This can be particularly true when your heartbreak is over a personal relationship. Your grief, which is nonetheless disabling, must be handled on your own time, shrouded in privacy.

__X__Because I'm not grieving a death, I feel embarrassed about my sudden weight loss and red nose, caused by crying on and off during the day. (Damn, I wish it were weigh-loss! I've definitely gained a few pounds. Was certainly embarrassed about the red nose when I was crying over her though.)

__X__I don't have the status of widowhood.

Instead you're suddenly alone because someone's rejected you. In many causes, you've been replaced by someone else. Being dumped adds shame and humiliation to the burden of heartbreak.

__X__I feel like a victim-not of a natural life process like death but of my own alleged inadequacies and poor choices.

_____There is no societal outreach for my kind of grief-no bouquets of flowers from distant relatives and no clergy at my door to offer consolations. (I left this one unchecked because I consider NMMNG OSG my societal outreach. )

__X__I can't even visit a spiritual medium who conveys loving messages from the departed.

There would be no comforting message that he still watches over you with loving care. He's not on the other side, but going on with his life without you.

(I'd actually rather have a mean message from her to make it easier to hate her.)

__X__I've suddenly been conscripted to single life against my will.

(It was against my will initially but that's a good reason to embrace the dating moratorium. I'm not having a dry spell; I'm off the market by my choice.)

Being thrust into this aloneness kicks up your control issues. Widows have control issues too, but abandonment survivors feel them with a vengeance. Railing against the circumstances of your loss prolongs the protest, anger, and hurt.

_____I wear out my friends and family with my pain and obsession.

(Perhaps I did in the beginning but I haven't spoken a word about this in a while. I'm doing much better.)

They have difficulty remaining in empathy with you for the duration, because-until now-the nature of abandonment grief has been neither sufficiently understood nor acknowledged.

__X__Yearning for someone who has treated me poorly doesn't make sense to my friends. l feel judged and pressured to snap out of it.

Letting go is more difficult without a body to mourn over, so you remain in purgatory longer.

__X__I obsess and pine for my ex to stave off the torment of love loss and to stay plugged into the hope of regaining love.

(OK, perhaps I occasionally pine for her.)

__X__My friends want to fix it and give me simplistic advice, like "move forward".

(I definitely heard this type of stuff.)

This only makes you feel worse because it implies that they think they'd get over it more quickly than you. You think they must perceive you as emotionally feeble for staying in the pain so long.

__X__I sometimes blame myself for not being able to contain the pain.
(Oh yeah, major toxic shame in the beginning.)
_____Deep down inside, though, I know l am doing my best, so I harbor anger toward my friends for failing to understand.
(No, fortunately I didn't harbor anger. I guess I didn't expect them to understand how I could have felt so attached in just a month.)
__X__I suspect that the emotional wound created by abandonment is more serious, more destructive, than society is willing to admit.

Add elements of your own experience with grief.

- I kick myself for the opportunity I wasted because it didn't last long enough to find major faults in her. I feel like I had a RGW in my hands and fumbled. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping her off the pedestal I put her on.
- I get ashamed of myself when I think of the neediness I displayed, the stupid things I said crying out to her to give me a sign that she was still into me. I felt like I should be beyond these "rookie mistakes".

You have two jobs with respect to abandonment grief One is to accept the pain of loss. The other is to reverse the injury to your sense of self. As you will see, the end of this chapter is devoted to these tasks.

[DarkStar]

Journey From Heartbreak to Connection

Chapter 8: Letting Go (cont'd)

Hanging by a String

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In sharing Jill's feelings with you, I want to make the point that there are no easy answers to this type of dilemma. Jill is dealing with some of the most challenging elements of abandonment's special type of grief. She's battling the following foes.

Check items that hold you back from letting go.

_____Ambiguity.
_____Lack of closure.
_____Confusion.
_____Continued contact with the person who abandoned me.
__X__Double messages, creating false hope.
__X__Prolonged feelings of rejection, betrayal, isolation, and fear.

Fortunately for me, I'm not facing the type of abandonment given in this example of "Jill". Perhaps the only two items above that apply to me are the last two. "Double messages", not really, because I can read between the lines of her words. In the beginning, I held out hope that I could eventually turn it around if I gave her some time and space. Now, when it comes to dating, I am just looking forward to dating other girls.

But anyway, her last message was kind to me and made excuses (it's not you it's me type of deal), but we all know what that means. Still it would probably have helped for her to just say I turned into a creepy needy little bitch or whatever she was really thinking.

Yet, the last checkbox is also probably true, which is contradictory in a way to the previous one. LOL.

What to Do When Faced with Such a Difficult Task

Like Jill, most people have difficulty facing an ending where there is a high degree of ambiguity. It is too large a job to accomplish once and for all. Face your loss in the moment, rather than try to face it for all time. Let go for the moment. Doing so strengthens your emotional self-reliance and releases pain.

AKERU EXERCISE III: Building a Dream House

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Check all that apply to you.

These self-defeating notions are holding me back:

__X__Skepticism.
__X__Fear.
__X__Guilt.
__X__Feelings of inadequacy.
_____Low sense of entitlement.

Dream House overcomes obstacles to build your self-esteem.

How to Begin

Begin by closing your eyes. Imagine that you've somehow acquired unlimited financial resources. You have millions or even billions of dollars (depending on your needs and tastes) at your disposal. Maybe you've won the lottery? Think about what you might do tomorrow if you had this kind of money.

Name three things you'd do immediately.

1. Help my parents to live more comfortably, including paying off my mother's house (or just buying her a better house) and sprucing up my dad's apartment (I know he wouldn't be willing to upgrade to a nicer place but I'd certainly offer).

2. Buy my own place, with plenty of garage space and start a car collection, beginning with perhaps a McLaren F1.

3. Travel the world to see exotic places, beaches, vibrant cities, culture. Probably make a big list of all the world's most fascinating places, like the 7 wonders of the world, etc, and start hitting spots one by one. Take cruises, snowboard the world's most amazing resorts, ship my car to the world's best race tracks and spend some time on those circuits. OK, I'm getting a bit carried away on this travel thing but I guess getting carried away is the point.

Fast forward to the future-about a year or two from now. What do you suppose your life would look like, assuming your financial resources have remained unlimited? Imagine that you're spending a good deal of time in an idyllic, beautiful environment. This scene may be some place you've visited or always wanted to. Maybe it's the setting you've been envisioning when performing Back to the Future. What country, part of the world would your Dream House be in? Remember, you are wealthy enough to have your own jetport and pilot (if you'd like) so that you can touch base with family and friends anytime, anywhere in the world.

Describe the location, environs, and country of your Dream House.

I suppose if I had actually done my #3 above (or researched it), I'd be able to do this part of the exercise better. I'm a bit artistically challenged so I'm mainly going off of memories of places I've seen. I'd like my Dream House to be inspired by a beautiful villa I stayed at in a touristy beach town in Costa Rica. It was in a tropical environment with lush rainforest all around, vibrant colors in the plants, and wonderful architecture. While I do want to travel, I actually want to place my Dream House in the US. So let's put this on the coast of the US shores.. how about.. Southern California, maybe San Diego. It's set back in the hills for a killer view but somehow has easy beach access.

Since I'm a bit artistically challenged, I decided to do a Google image search for San Diego mansions and was inspired by this picture...

http://goo.gl/zh0Ba

Where do your family and friends stay in relation to your new location? Do they stay in a guest suite within your mansion? In separate dwellings you've built nearby? Or do you fly back home to visit them?

Describe where your family and friends stay.

There is a separate guest house at the mansion and they are welcome to stay there, or they can crash in one of the rooms in the main house.

What does your Dream House look like? Is it a Victorian? Cobblestone cottage? One-of-a-kind contemporary? Converted barn? Spacious loft? Renovated castle? Yacht? Rustic beach bungalow?

No matter how outlandish or humble, describe the house of your ultimate dreams.

It has lots of trees and plants outside, giving it a bit of a jungle feel, there are also a couple of huge pools, one inside and one outside, each with a hot tub. There's a killer view of the coast and the city below. The house itself is I guess a one of a kind contemporary.

What materials is it made of? Brick, stone, bamboo, tile, concrete, tin, wood? Describe the materials and textures.

It has a stone-lined entryway in the front with a marble porch. There are some wood decks around the house. Inside, some of the rooms have hard-wood floors and some have carpets.

Stop to consider the overall shape and size of your Dream House. Remember, money is no object. If you'd like your home to be cozy - just large enough for your needs - then build it accordingly If you'd like it to be so large that you can go for a mile walk within it without having to go outside then build it the size of a gymnasium. For that matter, build a gymnasium, monastery, or skyscraper, if you'd like.

Describe the overall structure of your house.

There are a lot of different rooms in the house, a workout gym, billiard parlor with full bar, home theater. Throughout the house there are cat-walks along the walls, passageways and cat trees between rooms so the cats can be entertained. There's a fireman's pole from the top floor down to the bottom in one of the rooms and a trampoline on the ground floor and a padded opening above that lets you jump up to the 2nd floor.

What are the most important functions you perform within your imaginary house? Do you conduct a career from your house? Entertain people? Do you house family members? Do you use it as a personal retreat? A love nest? Do you have a yoga or meditation room? A massage room? A bathing room?

Describe the different functions your house is designed for.

Well, at first it's a bachelor pad but later it will be a family home. I entertain guests and they are welcome to hang out as long as they are chill and respect the place. I hold parties and BBQ's there, there's always lots of great food on hand. A massage room sounds like a good idea, as well as the yoga / meditation room, and maybe a sauna.

[DarkStar]

Journey From Heartbreak to Connection

Chapter 8: Letting Go (cont'd)

What rooms do they take place in? Describe.

Well the BBQ's will be outside of course, there will be a fire pit for bon fires. There will be various beers on tap both inside and outside at the bar by the pool.

The billiard parlor will be more like a pool hall with multiple pool tables so people don't have to wait so long for their turn.

The gym will include free weights and I'll have a personal trainer come by. I'll also have an indoor skateboard park with a bunch of ramps and what not for me to get my cardio on. Perhaps also a tennis court. Also a go kart track.

The home theatre setup will be in an acoustically designed room with recliners, love seats and sofas arranged on platforms to allow stadium style seating, all with foot rests and drink holders of course. Oh I'll also have some kind of video gaming area with one of those race car setups for realistic driving simulation. I don't really play video games but might as well have a nice setup for driving games which I'd enjoy.

There's also some kind of gun range / shooting gallery inside and weapons closet / survival supply room. The gun range could be not just a static target practice type thing but something more like an FBI training camp type thing where you can sneak around corners and have targets that pop out at you. This can be used as an individual or the room can double as a paintball grounds for group play. I've never even shot a gun but this sounds pretty fun.

Let's make sure to add some hammocks outside, and maybe a zipline from one of the decks down into the yard, a water slide into the pool and maybe a diving board of some sort. Oh yes, helicopter landing pad on the roof, as well as a rooftop jungle deck. Shoot, since I'm infinitely rich, let's go ahead and build a roller coaster that goes around the property and also through the inside.

Since I don't want the opening for the roller coaster to affect the climate inside the house, the coaster can just go through a glass tube, which is also sound proof so it doesn't make noise in the house. Also there's a giant aquarium in the house and the roller coaster goes through that too.

Now that the construction is nearly complete, walk directly through the front door to your favorite spot-the place where you feel most relaxed and centered-the heart of the house. This is the place you are most likely to plop yourself down to do your relaxing, thinking, reading, reflecting on life, talking on the phone-even when construction is going on nearby. To help you decide where the heart of your Dream House is located, think about where you spend most of your time within your current dwelling.

Where is the heart of where you currently live?

Right now I'd say the heart of where I currently live is the couch in my bedroom. This is where I've been doing my Anderson work on my laptop. I also sometimes like to go out on the deck outside my bedroom and chill out there.

Now, imagine where this central spot might be in your Dream House. Would it be the kitchen, living room, den, library, observatory?

Describe your central spot.

Oooh observatory. Let's have one of those in the house too but this is not my central spot.

Let's make the central spot a green room type area that allows sun in but maybe has dimming glass if I want to shade the sun a bit. There are lots of plants in there and comfy seating. The cats like to chill in this room too and there's a great view from here.

Imagine that you are sitting in the heart of your Dream House in a wonderfully comfortable chair. Is it a bar stool in the kitchen where you can sit and gaze out the window? Or are you nestled into a comfortable chair in the library? Lounging on the deck? Kicking back on a sofa in the living room?

Describe your favorite chair within the heart of the house.

The favorite chair is a recliner that provides good posture when upright but also allows reclining so I can kick my feet up. I can see out the huge glass windows to the beautiful view from the chair. The chair has plush padding and there's a table next to it that I can set my laptop or books and my drink on.

Imagine that as you sit in your luxurious chair, you face a spectacular view-the view of your dreams.

Describe the focal point of this view.

In the foreground I can see the trees on my property. This is the main focal point.

Describe other elements of this view.

In the background, I can see the ocean and cliffs off to the side. I can see waves crashing in.

Think about where the other rooms might be located (assuming there are to be other rooms). Where might your kitchen be, relative to your position in your chair? is it behind you, to the left, right, or are you in the kitchen?

Describe your kitchen.

There is a mini bar with a fridge and a sink in this room but the main kitchen is downstairs from this room. The kitchen has modern appliances, a huge fridge, double oven, and a killer range top stove thing with one of those flat top griddle thingies built in.

Imagine where you'd put the bedrooms (relative to your center spot). Are they above you, on either side of you, up one level, down the next? In a separate building? Adjoining building?

Describe where your bedrooms are placed.

I'd say these are away from the central spot, maybe down a hall way. None of the bedrooms are next to each other, they are all isolated for privacy, as well as isolated from the other rooms.

What about other rooms, nooks and crannies, guest quarters, or outbuildings of your Dream House?

Describe other rooms and buildings.

I'd say there is a guest house for the chef to live in. He comes by and deals with keeping food and beverages stocked and provides other assistance when needed. There's a library, with a reading nook, and of course there's the garage.

The garage holds quite a number of cars, and there's also plenty of room to tinker on things. There's a work bench and fully stocked tool cabinets, a lift for getting under the cars, an air compressor etc. I have a mechanic who I can call over to help me with any repairs or modifications or it's more like I'm just assisting him so I can learn.

When you're first attempting this exercise, it is not necessary to specify the exact location of all of the rooms and outbuildings. For now, just get a general idea of where the most functional rooms might be and what they might be like. With repeated use of this exercise, you can add or delete rooms to your heart's content. Renovating to include additional space comes into play as you perform this exercise over many months. It's important to conjure up an image of your Dream House no less than three times a day for at least three months-that is, if you hope to see appreciable improvements in your personal growth. Frequent contemplation of the visual image focuses your energy on the space beyond your blocks.

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Where would your significant other be? In the driveway, coming home? Backyard? Tennis court on your property? In a separate dwelling, thinking positive thoughts about you?

She is in one of the rooms doing her hobby. If it is something that was already at the house, then that's fine. Or if it was a hobby that I do not do, such as painting, then it is in the painting room that I have had built for her. She is thinking positive thoughts of me; she is making a painting as a gift for me.

Think about the other people in your present and future. Are there children? What about friends? Neighbors? Pets? Think about who you'd like to have living with or near you.

We have dogs and cats. The cats are pretty much where ever chillin around the house. One of the dogs is hanging out next to my chair, and the other one is with her as she paints. We don't have children yet.

Where are these people relative to your position in the center of your Dream House? Describe.

They are in their little doggy beds in our respective rooms. The cats, if they happen to be in the room, are in their cat trees.

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BACK TO THE FUTURE

What obstacles have been blocking you from finding love all along?

The main thing that has been blocking me from finding love is wanting it too badly and thinking that it would make my life better. There are too many areas of my life that need improvement for love to really solve much. So I need to make my cake, or at least get it in the over before I bust out the icing.

How did you remove them?

By doing this work, and taking the steps in the plan:

-cutting the porn and sexual fantasy

-dealing with toxic shame and fear of abandonment

-becoming more social and making more guy friends

-eliminating nice guy behaviors

-doing all my breaking free activities

-working on my career and hobbies

-overcoming procrastination on other neglected areas of my life such as getting organized, trying lots of new things and getting new experiences

-dating lots of women and feeling the abundance

-learning how to take the lead and set the tone, and learning how to evaluate a woman's character and be a good ender

These are all from the top of my head but there may be more things in the plan I'm forgetting.

How did your behavior change to accomplish this?

I stopped thinking about what I should do so much and just started doing it. I began to face my fears and realize that I CAN live up to my potential or at least shoot for it.

[DarkStar]

Journey From Heartbreak to Connection

Chapter 8: Letting Go (cont'd)

Action Vow: In the next twenty-four hours, I am going to take the following baby step in the direction of increasing the love in my life:

Well, in the next hour I'm going to complete Chapter 8 of Anderson which I think is a pretty good baby step. I'll also do another Big/Little dialog. I will do my daily workout. I'll post some more used items of value that I don't need up for sale.

Other Uses for This House Dream

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Describe the changes you'd need to add to your house to inspire you to stay in the moment.

It is pretty complete for now but we should add some kind of sound system that has speakers in each room so you keep hearing the music as you move from room to room but can be controlled from any room.

Let's also add some more landscaping with walking paths through everything and little bridges, streams and waterfalls, birds and what not to have a nice nature experience outside.

Describe the renovations you'd need to enhance Little's contentment when nestled into the environs of the house.

Well, the house is super organized and de-cluttered, everything is in its place. Friends come by often for fun and games and hanging out. A massage therapist visits once a week.

What special features do you need to add to the house to enable Big to feel capable and strong while living there?

There is a financial advisor and accountant that visit and assist with money management issues, and there's a personal trainer that comes by and helps with my fitness goals, including a martial arts instructor.

Describe your Dream House in one paragraph. Include its overall structure, the environment, the newest renovations, the emotional goals you achieved living within it, the problems you solved, the obstacles you removed, and the initial actions you took to set the changes in motion - all in one gulp.

My Dream House is the reflection of life's abundance. It is a never ending source of entertainment in all the activities it has available to me to stimulate my mind, body and soul. It is full of beauty and sensory inputs.

It has allowed me to achieve emotional fulfillment to the highest degree and has provided me with everything I could want under one roof. The woman is the only thing left out, who will be the icing on the cake to join me in this dream house.

To set the changes into motion, again, I completely everything in the plan not just by going through the motions but by embracing each and every step and facing my fears in all the neglected areas of my life.

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Without overanalyzing, can you glean anything from the structure of your Dream House about your dreams; the obstacles you are overcoming: the direction in which you're taking your life; or your goals, constraints, and strengths? Explain.

Part of it may reflect my desire for new experiences. It contains a shooting range and I've never fired a gun. There's a masseuse that comes by weekly and yet I've never gotten a professional massage.

The house is clean and de-cluttered. I need to reduce the clutter in my life.

I don't consider myself artistic, but the wife in the example is a painter. She drives the art in the house.

What clue does your Dream House give you about where you want your life to go?

It represents wealth and also richness of life. I can live without tremendous wealth although it would be nice to help support a leisurely lifestyle. I'm not one of those people who would "continue working" if I won the lottery. I'd like to find the way towards the right balance working hard to become financially well off and winding down into retirement to focus more time on enjoying life.

What part of this growth is realistic to achieve within a few years of growth, if you were to start within the next twenty-four hours?

Well, regardless of having to work for a living, I could certainly make efforts to enjoy life more in my free time. A lot of those hobbies aren't too expensive to do without building a dream house for them (with the exception of the car collection lol), so there is no need to wait until I'm rich to enjoy life as much as I can.

How will it feel to make this a reality?

It will feel great, like I am living a full life.

How badly do you want it?

Pretty bad.

Is your existence important enough to go out and get it?

Yes!

What impact will it have on your self-esteem?

A profound positive impact I would think.

What is currently blocking you?

Fears, self-doubt, the habit of being lazy, procrastination, low energy.

What insights and strengths can you use for overcoming?

- The rewards will be worth whatever discomfort I have to go through to get myself motivated.

- Nothing is as difficult as my mind seems to make it out to be.

- Things get easier as you move forward. The hardest part is getting started.

- My strength is problem solving. Figure out the advice I'd give someone else objectively and then follow that advice myself.

How can you use Dream House as a tool for ascending to your aspirations?

The Dream House shows me what I want in life. It's difficult to get something when you don't even know what you want. Define the Dream House and figure out ways to get there.

More Food for Thought: How to Use the Dream House to Incorporate the Four Cornerstones of Self

Go ahead and make whatever renovations are necessary to create an environment in which you could live as happily all by yourself as you would with a Dream Partner.

Describe the renovations to your Dream House that would make this possible.

I think it's pretty good as is. Having the friends come over, the pets around, and all the entertainment and stimulation is helpful.

For the second cornerstone, Beholding Your Existence, what additions or embellishments would help you truly appreciate the importance of your existence? Think about what it means to be alive. Think about the precious opportunity it is, the miracle of existence itself. What renovations do you need to make to your Dream House to help you truly appreciate this miracle?

Describe the changes in location, decor, design, size, or function you need to add to your house to help you behold the importance of your existence.

I'm not sure how to add on this one. Maybe having the other life around helps with this. The pets, the friends again. I feel like a lot of the previous cornerstone stuff applies to this one as well, the stimulation. Perhaps I can add something to the house that would allow me to help other people in some way.

For the third cornerstone, Celebrating Your Reality, imagine that your surroundings are so complete that you are able to face your current reality squarely, with peace, calm, and strength. The details of your favorite room are so compelling that just by sitting on your Dream Chair, you are able to face any reality that may come to you. The view you've imagined is so spectacular that gazing on it fills you with strength to accept any challenges life throws at you. What additions or deletions would help you accept any reality no matter how challenging?

Describe the changes in structure or embellishments.

Maybe I need to man this room up somehow with throwing stars on the wall, or a suit of armor, or some freaky art? I'm a bit stuck on this one.

For the fourth cornerstone, Increasing Your Capacity for Love, imagine that your Dream House is constructed and decorated in such a way that just by living within it, your capacity for love increases every day. Others can feel the warmth and connection emanating from you all the way from where you sit in your comfortable Dream Chair. Living within this house, your capacity for love increases toward yourself, the people you know, and those you have not yet met. Soon your capacity for love radiates to all of the people in your life. What design changes do you need to make in your Dream House to help you increase your capacity for love just by living in it day by day?

Describe the love-inspiring renovations you need to make for this growth to take place.

Maybe this comes from the tranquil aspects of the house that help me to reduce stress and relax. The flowing streams and waterfalls, the music, the plants, the meditation and yoga room and the masseuse.

[Pinkerton85]

Damn man, your dream house sounds kickass.

I think I'm going to have to be more bombastic with mine.

What I have been trying to do with my drinking the last month is cut out drinking during the week. Or limit it to one night mon-thurs and then either friday or saturday. before, I could quite easily go out every night wed-sat drinking 5+ beers every night.

[Pinkerton85]

Originally Posted by HustleAndFlow

This is a good point, I think I'm in the same boat. I would really like to just have a beer or two when I get home everyonce in a while, but find myself going for more. I can do this when I go out, I am very much in control of my drinking, it's just when I go home.

I think it will just take a lot of hard work and focus from us.

Do you drink on your own?

[HustleAndFlow]

Originally Posted by Pinkerton85

Do you drink on your own?

I do, but I don't really have people over since I'm staying at my dads for a couple of months until I move, hopefully in April. There are times I will down quite a few beers, probably double what I would normally drink which is 4-6. Thats why I think right now it's good to keep it all minimal like Darkstar is trying to do also.

[DarkStar]

Originally Posted by HustleAndFlow

Glad you posted these, I have a problem with this as well.

Definitely a major issue I'd like to improve my skills with. Speaking of procrastination, I finally just read those links last night and today. LOL. What he said resonated with me quite well, so I suppose these would be good references to come back to any time I'm feeling like I'm not being productive enough.

[DarkStar]

Originally Posted by Pinkerton85

Damn man, your dream house sounds kickass.

I think I'm going to have to be more bombastic with mine.

Haha, thanks man! I'm glad I finally got through the initial construction of my Dream House. It was a tough one for me to get momentum on but I'm hoping it will prove to be useful to keep working on it.