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  #16  
Old April 11th, 2012, 08:00 PM
Goose Goose is offline
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A few weeks ago I was showing the movie the movie Peaceful Warrior to a friend, and a quote really stood out this time, that has a lot to do with not being attached to the outcome:

"You don't surrender your dreams, Dan. You surrender the one thing you never have and you never will: control. Accept that don't control what will happen to you. That you may, or you may not compete in the Olympics... That you may, or you may not. And that you're something exceptional either way."

I've been practicing this lately and it really seems to help: whenever I find myself drifting off imagining a desired outcome, or getting nervous about it, I repeat that line to myself.
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  #17  
Old April 14th, 2012, 08:39 PM
Devile Devile is offline
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I'll have to rent that film out or find it online. The mantra is a good one too, Goose.

As for me, I'm finding I'm not taking shit, even in the small things when practicing REI. I recall a conversation with a cashier who spoke over me, trying to complete the transaction hurriedly and I sternly said I hadn't finished my order. Usually I'd let it slide, fearing what he may have thought of me. Also, practising vulnerability is another thing. I went on a date and I basically didn't hold anything back when questions were asked. I didn't much care if the date went well or badly and divested myself of expectation. (She wasn't a girl I'd want to date, but that only became evident after spending some time with her.)

I let loose the possibilities of my mind and the actions begin to catch up to it.
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  #18  
Old May 8th, 2012, 01:25 AM
Devile Devile is offline
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I went away to Brisbane this weekend to see some friends and stay with a ladyfriend. I say ladyfriend because she's a FWB that lives in another state (I would say...the distance between New York and Atlanta or Cardiff to London.) We hook up when we're near enough but beyond that it isn't exclusive and our communication is fairly limited.

That said, I stayed at her place as she offered - she even drove me around most of the time since she knew the area. Though the last couple of times together have been really hot and heavy, this was fairly light on by comparison. We had sex twice over the four days, both times initiated by me.

I wasn't particularly in the mood myself all throughout the weekend either. I suppose I'm in a low ebb at the moment; feeling flat, anxious, depressed. I visited a friend who has moved to a remote part of Australia and he discussed his being in a mental asylum for Xanax withdrawal and shacking up with a fellow inmate on this island which is home to the greatest concentration of ex-convicts, junkies, welfare recipients and other ne'er-do-wells in the entire country. It seemed a genuinely terrifying place to live; even though I have two and a half years of Hapkido training there was this general uneasiness as I walked around with him and talked about the routine police raids and Mafia "hits" that plague the island. That put me in a rather dark and suspicious mood for the remainder of the trip.

Now I feel like disconnecting and withdrawing. I did feel detatched and guarded around the FWB. I felt lethargic at the start of the trip and overthought a bit too much (Why is she rejecting my advances? Are they shit-tests? How far can I take this? etc.) Although my emotional nadirs are infrequent of late the, the passing of my Baba may have had an incalculable effect on my outlook on life - something I discussed with my therapist. It's very much a wound that I quite readily ignored at the beginning. Her release into death divested her of suffering, which gave us all relief. I certainly didn't want to see her in a state of agonizing deterioration. But now sitting in the fact that she's really gone, the wound is searing through my flesh and ripping at my insides.

A dream I had the other night while sleeping over with the FWB saw me crying uncontrollably at a replay of memories with Baba on some kind of screen. This was just my unconscious conjuring images but the feeling lingered in the waking world. As I write this, there's still a lethargy and indifference to almost everything.

I just felt like I needed to express it somehow since I'm a writer, not a talker.
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  #19  
Old May 8th, 2012, 01:29 AM
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.

Last weekend a ladyfriend (essentially a FWB) from up North stayed with me and we had a sex-filled weekend where, for the most part, just was myself and detached completely from outcome. I stayed in the now and savored our time together which was extremely enjoyable. I almost picked up another girl at a party without even trying! Even the ladyfriend commented on how "into" me this other girl seemed to be.

.
So, did you miss a chance at a threesome?
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  #20  
Old May 8th, 2012, 01:35 AM
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Hmm, it's entirely possible.
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  #21  
Old May 8th, 2012, 01:38 AM
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I
A dream I had the other night while sleeping over with the FWB saw me crying uncontrollably at a replay of memories with Baba on some kind of screen. This was just my unconscious conjuring images but the feeling lingered in the waking world. As I write this, there's still a lethargy and indifference to almost everything.
.
If you are afraid of being vulnerable with your FWB, you will hurt the realtionship. You should open up with her about your loss, you are human and it is okay to cry about losing your baba. If you are withholding this and she feels you distant than why shuld she trust you inside her?


Did your Baba live a full life? what do you miss most?

Tell us about her. I'd like to hear about her.
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  #22  
Old May 8th, 2012, 01:46 AM
Devile Devile is offline
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If you are afraid of being vulnerable with your FWB, you will hurt the realtionship. You should open up with her about your loss, you are human and it is okay to cry about losing your baba. If you are withholding this and she feels you distant than why shuld she trust you inside her?


Did your Baba live a full life? what do you miss most?

Tell us about her. I'd like to hear about her.
I suppose I had this feeling she would always be there and understand where I was coming from. She knew me better than I knew me. Now it just feels like I'm speaking gibberish to most people. I'm getting better with opening up to men like yourselves and in the group but it isn't the same and what's worse, it will never be like that again.

I wrote a few things about her on my blog about her too, which you can read here.

I did open up to her about Baba; she knew about it and we did talk about it. I said that I was sad and I missed her.

She did talk about her work and frustrations around that but perhaps the source of the apprehension was both of us, in a way? Perhaps I'm looking for something that isn't there.
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  #23  
Old May 8th, 2012, 06:10 AM
Boyd Boyd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Goose View Post
A few weeks ago I was showing the movie the movie Peaceful Warrior to a friend, and a quote really stood out this time, that has a lot to do with not being attached to the outcome:

"You don't surrender your dreams, Dan. You surrender the one thing you never have and you never will: control. Accept that don't control what will happen to you. That you may, or you may not compete in the Olympics... That you may, or you may not. And that you're something exceptional either way."

I've been practicing this lately and it really seems to help: whenever I find myself drifting off imagining a desired outcome, or getting nervous about it, I repeat that line to myself.
This Dan Millman book that the movie was based on was one of the first books I read along my personal path to enlightenment.

I haven't seen the movie, but now... I guess I am COMPELLED to!

The thing is, who to share it with? Hmmm....

Boyd
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  #24  
Old May 8th, 2012, 06:22 AM
Boyd Boyd is offline
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Devile,

I'm sorry for your loss for sure, but wanted to share my experience:

When my buddy died this past fall, I wasn't ready for it and I lost all motivation and caring about life for a while.

I chose that time to make a change that I had feared making for years before that, taking advantage of my "i don't give a shit" attitude towards the world. This is when I changed martial arts clubs, and contacted people I had been afraid to stand up to in the past to give them the news (I had trained 12+ yrs with the old crew & they had disdain for the new crew I was about to join).

While I'm not sure dating is a great thing to do at this point (egads please don't end up getting exclusive with whoever you attract when you're a mess), I applaud your use of this "down time" to get over some SLBs about speaking authentically when asked questions on dates, etc, and encourage it.

Are there other "big changes" that you'd do well to make in your life that your "I don't give a shit" attitude will be a benefit, and your depression won't mess it up?

I knew for years I wanted to join this club I'm now at, and it's the one place my depression could be "exercised out", but it took me hitting bottom emotionally to get over the fear of quitting the old place with integrity, knowing the instructors I was about to talk to had such disdain for the new place I was going.

In a weird way, I thank my buddy regularly now for the gift his early death gave me. Would I rather he be here than have this gift? Sure, but since death is unavoidable over the long scale, I'm still grateful for the gift his death gave me in motivation to make some changes.

I hope you find the same in Baba's death.

Boyd
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  #25  
Old May 10th, 2012, 08:22 AM
Devile Devile is offline
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You know what Boyd - I've hit a similar wavelength to you. Eerily similar, in fact.

I was driving home from the petrol station when I hit upon a similar theme. Do I give a shit about what happens next? No, I do not. What's the problem? I'm not "lovingly" giving a shit, I'm doing it indifferently and or with a general disdain. Right now I don't even care if I get up on time for work, see friends or whatever. It's a persistent "existential" boredom and apathy. But the next question is this - how do I use this to gain something out of this loss? How can I do good by and for myself to honor her memory and legacy?

Thanks for sharing Boyd, and you have my condolences.
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  #26  
Old May 22nd, 2012, 02:03 AM
Devile Devile is offline
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Good talk with my hapkido instructor Ken. I think he is the ideal IM from whom I will base my own integration. Strong, rational yet still very spiritual (I use the word "spiritual" as in someone connected with their own inner subjective, emotional experience of being-in-the-world.) and a carer instead of a caretaker. He is definitely another "safe" man with whom I have come to know and respect very much during my training.
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  #27  
Old June 12th, 2012, 10:55 PM
Devile Devile is offline
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I watched the film "Legends of the Fall" the other day and I found its message inspiring. I too want to live for a year or the better part of one in the wilderness, away from society to tap into the "wild man" inside. When and where will be for me to decide in due course.

I had some good sessions with my therapist, dealing with anger. I'm also feeling a bit down - grieving, rather - since I made the decision to abandon a toxic friendship of over 20 years. He was like my brother but I can't stand around watch him destroy his life with his utterly contemptible girlfriend so I have to cut him loose. House sitting for my parents at the moment, I feel alone. My Baba is dead, my brother is "dead" and I feel like there's not many people left I can turn to or with whom I can be "safe" with, even beyond the security of my support group bretheren.

One victory was a girl I've come to know (she's sort of like my little sister, in a way - we're friends and I'm not attracted to her romantically. She's fairly attractive as a girl, not as a "really great woman.") who wanted to know how I had all this insight into what we call NGs. I told her I was one - showed her the book and made no bones about it. She stopped and said "I can't believe you used to be like this...you seem so self-assured and confident."

Now that's a ringing endorsement if I ever heard it.
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  #28  
Old June 24th, 2012, 08:06 PM
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Devile, I don't know what to say regarding the passing of your Baba. I'm sorry for your loss, and wish you a healthy grieving process.

Being outcome independent is a goal I'm still struggling with. I am getting better. But not there yet. I've only read the last few posts, and feel inspired.
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  #29  
Old June 24th, 2012, 08:16 PM
Devile Devile is offline
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Devile, I don't know what to say regarding the passing of your Baba. I'm sorry for your loss, and wish you a healthy grieving process.

Being outcome independent is a goal I'm still struggling with. I am getting better. But not there yet. I've only read the last few posts, and feel inspired.
I saw your username and I hoped it was one of my best friends joining the site! But I'm glad you're making your own breaking free journey.
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  #30  
Old June 25th, 2012, 11:21 AM
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Hello, it's good to find a support group ! 20 years ago, I started realizing that I wasn't feeling quite "right" ( my lizard brain running my life ) and started searching for an answer. I've looked at numerous self help books, studied Eastern philosophy, tried counselling and therapy ... A year ago, I had a BIG mental catharsis / midlife crisis.
My 22 yr. old nephew just turned me on to NMMNGS last week and am having some great revelations about who I have been in my 52 years .. I've been aware of the labels "Overly Sensitive Personality" and "Social Anxiety Disorder", but NMMNG really describes a lot that has gone on for me !
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