Porn, Fantasy, Sex Addiction and your sexual future

Originally Posted by Winhamness

I think it'd be easier if you are single, personally.

Agreed, maybe in a vacuum it's easier to be married but NGs who are on porn always have sexual issues with their wives in some way shape or form. So it's not like their is much more of an avenue for release than a single man.

I can tell you this from personal experience. My issue with porn was arousal, as you probably read a few posts back. When I watched porn I wanted sex with the wife all the freaking time. So the moratorium was very difficult for me. The wife has a great butt and watching her walk around around bed room in a thong made it EXTREMELY difficult for me to tell me myself, I'm not actually in the mood, I just have a false sense of arousal from the porn, even though this was exactly the case.

It get easier and you will know when your ready for healthy MB. If you have any idea that you might not be ready you are not.

Others have posted on it and it does work, try using a mirror at first. Seems weird but it really helps you to focus on yourself and how it feels to you. Also find a time when you can be alone and not rush. It shouldn't be a rush to orgasm.

[Winhamness]

Originally Posted by Bigeasy

Others have posted on it and it does work, try using a mirror at first. Seems weird but it really helps you to focus on yourself and how it feels to you.

Using a mirror did amazing amazing things for my sexuality, and my comfort with it.

[BubbaHeat]

Originally Posted by sparkyjim

This is what I want to comment on...it's not that your sex drive has decreased it's that your AROUSAL level has gone down -

There is a HUGE difference. Now you are more like a MAN. Less like a drug addict.

Well said. After years of compulsive MB and being aroused all the time I find that I'm not the horn dog I thought I was. By reducing my level of forced arousal I find interactions with my wife are are more intense and keep me satisfied longer. I never thought I'd be happy with sex twice a week but for the most part since stopping MB I am.

[BubbaHeat]

Originally Posted by Winhamness

Using a mirror did amazing amazing things for my sexuality, and my comfort with it.

I found lube really helpful as well.

[RufWarrior]

Originally Posted by DanielS

How hard will it be for someone who is addicted to porn and MB and DOES NOT have a girlfirend to keep this moratorium?

I mean...ok, if you have a wife or girlfriend, it's probably easier, you can focus all your sexual energy on her. But if you're single?

And another question: you should stop porn for good, but how do you know when you can try MB again?

Yes, the goal is to stop it all, when single, because if you don't it will cause problems in marriage.

You are mixing up two aspects of sex: connecting with others through physical pleasure, and medicating the toxic shame. I have no doubt you are using self-sex to medicate toxic shame. Unfortunatley, that is not the same sex to connect with someone else. So you need to lay it off.

As you work through the plan, particularly Anderson's book, you will find that sexual urges from toxic shame diminish. Working out helps a lot too. Instead of MB, get on the floor and do pushups.

[Fenikas]

I just read thru this whole forum and alot was true about my own sexual expeirence. My first time was with a stripper. Even then it was rushed and there wasnt a real emotional connection. Just felt like a process. My last serious relationship i had, started off with great sex. We would do it every chance we could get, her house, my house, the car, etc. But after 4 months the sex died because she found my porn on my PC (this was 4 year ago, there is no porn on my PC anymore). We tried to rekindle it months later but it wasnt the same for her. For me it was about the rush and releasing. I wasnt really connecting with her. I was just enjoying the temp moment. After reading all this, i can understand why all this was an issue. So far its 2 days without porn, got K-9 and started the rubber band technique. I hope i can make it to 30 days. No MB for me either.

[SeattleZ]

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

You are mixing up two aspects of sex: connecting with others through physical pleasure, and medicating the toxic shame. I have no doubt you are using self-sex to medicate toxic shame. Unfortunatley, that is not the same sex to connect with someone else. So you need to lay it off.

Wow Ruf, I never thought of it in that way. I figured it was my body, enjoyable, and helped me get through the dry spells with my wife. I've always been a good performer, if not a bit quick when a teenager, but this is helping me understand MB may be my way of coping with being lonely rather than the act itself.

Those dry spells with my W lasted weeks and sometimes months, so there was a lot to make up for

[victormanuel]

I’ve read the whole thread and I relate a lot to what it’s been said in post #32 by at80. I have stopped porn ever since I started reading NMMNG 45 days ago. It has been the first “magic step” to my indescribably powerful process of NG recovery. Also stopped the sex and the dating (my real problem is with sexual fantasies). After reading the book “The Way of the Superior Man” I’ve been trying to redirect the horniness in me to hit heavier weights at the gym (as long as I can redirect that energy to go out and head into chicks to bang them… it sound awesome for me, for as long as I am on the dating sex moratorium I am not doing… and to be honest… I’ve never been a player, so it will be a tarrying goal in a more advance stage of my recovery… not yet ready for it)
I relate a lot to the the #32 post, because two of my last girlfriends (that I dumped after realizing this) have had a hidden very slutty liberal past. That allows me to have great, porn like, satisfying sex for a while. As long as I was also a compliment thrower junky (nice Guy) for them, they were having such an awesome boyfriend: a “bad guy” fucking them, doing all the acrobatic positions, the oral sex tricks and the long lasting hard banging… and at the same time, being sweet, and loving and offering the warmth we Nice Guy offer to “pedestal women”. Too bad… when they felt confident enough and confessed me, drop by drop, their dirty past… I kept fucking them, diminish the compliments, ruined the “sense of pride” in me for being their boyfriend and started getting more and more sexually “abusive” to them by “using” them as I imagined all this guys from their past used them (anal sex, more violent penetrations, mouth cumshots, etc…) That ruined everything in my mind and left me filled with resentment. I cut the relationship when I realized that it was wrong to keep playing “ the shrink” so they could keep confessing slowly more and more their secrets, as long as they paid me with porn-like sex. It was horrible, it was far away from the Charming Prince-Pure Princess relationship I dreamed and it was a dead end.
I experience a great deal of shame cutting out this relationship, especially because I felt I was betraying them, letting them go, after they trusted me information about her immediate past that also caused shame on them. But… part of my current process of recovery is to remain true to my standards and I knew, I couldn’t keep a relationship based on trust and pride with them.
I really wander what is the sex going to be like in the future for me. Will I be able to experience pleasure without being porn-like with a girl I am proud to called mine? Should I just give “sweet-loving-sex-nurturing” to a RGW? I have no idea.