Andrew G's Dating Blog

[AndrewG]

Gahh - can't help myself. Cute young lady on today's group bike ride. Had to introduce myself and find out the deets. Tried a funny approach:

Me: So, can I ask you a personal question?

Her: OK

Me: How old are you?

Her: 22

Me: Ok, can I ask another personal question?

Her: OK

Me: Are you single?

Her: Yes - just recently.

Me: Well - you got those two right! Want to come on a cruiser ride Thursday night?

(NOTE - THIS IS SOMETHING I AM PLANNING ON DOING ANYWAYS)

Her: Ahh - I have to go back to the city Wednesday.

I left it alone after that...not into long distance - but there was definately interest. Lets call it practicing the skill of meeting wominz.

[RufWarrior]

So let me take some time now to write why I don't think this thread is an inspiration, and in getting more sex, you might have delayed your recovery.

I think it is good you've got your passions and hobbies down, and set your priorities with your family. I think you've swung too far the other way, like a recovering nice guy, but not gotten to the balance yet. I think in finding lots of causal sex, you're actually SETTLING. I think you're setting because you're not doing the getting all the way in/out properly, you're not set up to find a really great woman, and I'm not sure you're totally integrated on your feelings at the right level for the common on sense of when to be honest or not.

Let me start with your bad date with TYBOD. You justify what you said to her as being honest. You may have been honest about your feelings, but just cause you are feeling it does not mean it is right, appropriate, or that expressing it to that person is appropriate. You deal with feelings in ways, one of which is to tell the person, but not all the time. If it was the CEO of your company, you wouldn't do it because of the higher goal - not to get fired. Women look to men for strength, and if her fiasco threw you for such a loop, that explains why she didn't teel secure with you. I think you may have felt that way, because you had sex with her way to soon. To you, she was just an object for your pleasure, rather than a real breathing human being. And that is no way to relate if you want to have a healthy relationship. It's the beginning - people are on their best behavior. You should have just used it as a way to decide whether she was for you or not, made the decision, and moved on.

You seem to have spent a lot of time with June. But it's off and on. Why off and on? If she was your really great woman, it would be on. If not, it should be off, and off for good. So you're not practicing being a good ender.

It also seems you're getting sex pretty quickly, without even signs of being exclusive. A lot of really great women don't like that, so you've excluded them right there.

The way you run away these ladies, and can't resist, it reflects that you're not acting out of abundance. You're still acting out fear. Like attracts like, so you won't attract the right women.

Have you learned much about what you like and don't like about a woman's character? Have you found the appealing characteristics to you? Are you able to set boundaries, be humorous in the face of their adversity? Are you able to date a woman and judge her character without having sex with her? I think you said you might have, with Tara.

To me, it seems like you are using this chase for women to fill some emptiness in you. If you think you need to do that, that's fine, but it is not IM. I kind of know this becase I did this years ago (2004), though I was not successful in getting sex from them.

[AndrewG]

Ruf - I think you are right on a lot of counts there. However, with TYOB I am not sure it would have mattered how I handled things. I think for me its just part of accepting what I can and can't control. i.e. she wasn't ready for anything with anyone.

To be honest, until now I haven't been interested in more than casual relationships. I wasn't ready. Even with a woman I saw for a while who I did wait for sex with, I just wasn't able to be intimate - really intimate.

Despite jumping into bed with TYOB right away, I have learned something about myself from this - I am ready for intimacy - I do now have the strength to let someone know me more closely - I know this because for the first time in along time I am quite sad about a woman - that would be TYOB. In the last two years of dating I never let anyone get to me - I just wasn't all there.

Promises to myself - hold off on sex with the next woman. I already screen for a lot of things when I meet someone, so I start out setting myself up right to begin with.

About June - that's ended (talked about this a couple posts ago) - should have ended it more firmly sooner - but who's perfect?

[RufWarrior]

Originally Posted by AndrewG

Promises to myself - hold off on sex with the next woman. I already screen for a lot of things when I meet someone, so I start out setting myself up right to begin with.

About June - that's ended (talked about this a couple posts ago) - should have ended it more firmly sooner - but who's perfect?

Perfection may not be the goal, my point to folks here is that until you're pretty close to it with women, you shouldn't be having sex, since that just demotivates you to work on those issues.

I'm not sure you've totally dealt with your issues. Look at the resouces in my signature below, and see what might apply.

[AndrewG]

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

Perfection may not be the goal, my point to folks here is that until you're pretty close to it with women, you shouldn't be having sex, since that just demotivates you to work on those issues.

I'm not sure you've totally dealt with your issues. Look at the resouces in my signature below, and see what might apply.

I guess I have come to realize that we can never totally deal with all of our issues - that would be the quest for perfection. I am working at accepting and handling certain things about myself. I am going to take this experience with TYOB and June as the gifts they are, and work on myself for a while.

I won't stop meeting women, but I will hold off on any dates.

Recently I have been re-reading parts of NMMNG - I think it is also time to redo my BFE's - or at least review them.

Thanks for the gut check - I've started looking at your referenced thread and am glad to see I am smart enough to at least not make any really stupid mistakes...I also know I will continue to make mistakes and am fine with that.

OK - looked your "guide" over again, and I feel that I am at that last 10% - one final hurdle as it were.

[AndrewG]

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

So let me take some time now to write why I don't think this thread is an inspiration, and in getting more sex, you might have delayed your recovery.

I think it is good you've got your passions and hobbies down, and set your priorities with your family. I think you've swung too far the other way, like a recovering nice guy, but not gotten to the balance yet. I think in finding lots of causal sex, you're actually SETTLING. I think you're setting because you're not doing the getting all the way in/out properly, you're not set up to find a really great woman, and I'm not sure you're totally integrated on your feelings at the right level for the common on sense of when to be honest or not.

True - and for the last two years this (casual relationships) is all I have really been interested in.

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

Let me start with your bad date with TYBOD. You justify what you said to her as being honest. You may have been honest about your feelings, but just cause you are feeling it does not mean it is right, appropriate, or that expressing it to that person is appropriate. You deal with feelings in ways, one of which is to tell the person, but not all the time. If it was the CEO of your company, you wouldn't do it because of the higher goal - not to get fired. Women look to men for strength, and if her fiasco threw you for such a loop, that explains why she didn't teel secure with you. I think you may have felt that way, because you had sex with her way to soon. To you, she was just an object for your pleasure, rather than a real breathing human being. And that is no way to relate if you want to have a healthy relationship. It's the beginning - people are on their best behavior. You should have just used it as a way to decide whether she was for you or not, made the decision, and moved on.

I can own two mistakes with this woman - #1 - getting in bed way too fast. #2 - not taking last Saturday more in stride. Overall, from the get go I just assumed it wouldn't last, and that seems to have become a self fulfilling prophecy. One of my issues, left over from my marriage, is that back then, I held all of my feelings in check all of the time so now, I am hesitant to hold any in check. Need to find that balance.

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

You seem to have spent a lot of time with June. But it's off and on. Why off and on? If she was your really great woman, it would be on. If not, it should be off, and off for good. So you're not practicing being a good ender.

I tried to get "all the way in" but she wasn't receptive and then I just let it continue going nowhere. I did indeed leave this too long.

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

It also seems you're getting sex pretty quickly, without even signs of being exclusive. A lot of really great women don't like that, so you've excluded them right there.

The way you run away these ladies, and can't resist, it reflects that you're not acting out of abundance. You're still acting out fear. Like attracts like, so you won't attract the right women.

Well - not too sure I agree 100% with this - you can be a RGW and still want to have casual sex - what I am limiting myself to is women in the frame of only having something casual, whether they be a RGW or not.

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

Have you learned much about what you like and don't like about a woman's character? Have you found the appealing characteristics to you? Are you able to set boundaries, be humorous in the face of their adversity? Are you able to date a woman and judge her character without having sex with her? I think you said you might have, with Tara.

While I have never vocalized or recorded my list, I have come to realize that I definately have one:

1. Integrity
2. Passion - for life, for pursuits, for achievement, for sex, for humour - SENSE OF HUMOUR - VERY IMPORTANT
3. Ambition - wants to improve their skills/station in life
5. Healthy interest in the greater world - politics, the environment, other cultures, volunteerism.
6. Friends - must have their own friends/own life.
7. Fit - I think fitness says a lot about a person, and I also like women with tight bodies.
8. Independence - bit of a two edged sword, but I don't need a partner who is dependent on me - I have a child thanks. At the same time, I realize this means they will do their own thing. Kind of ties into the "has their own friends" bit
9. Shared interests - skiing, mountain biking, music, back country travel...these are on the list as they represent my passions and I spend time, money and energy pursuing them. If someone is to be a longterm partner, it is much easier if they share these interests with me (although I know this isn't necessary).

I also know that I have been actively screening all the women I meet/date by the above list. That's why June lasted so long - she pretty much scores a 9 out of 9 - except she was unavilable.

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

To me, it seems like you are using this chase for women to fill some emptiness in you. If you think you need to do that, that's fine, but it is not IM. I kind of know this becase I did this years ago (2004), though I was not successful in getting sex from them.

I think I have needed to do this for many reasons. I needed to prove to myself that I was still desireable. I needed the contact - affection - release. However, I now have to deal with some consequences, not the least of which is a potentially lost opportunity with TYOB who scores 9 out of 9 on my list.

I have been watching my Ex and have actually rated her too - and she wouldn't pass...integrity issues, not a real group of her own friends and not too interested in my passions...oops!

OK - I need to get some work done...stop making me think so much dammit!!!

[reborn]

Really interesting discussion, very valuable, and I've just pasted a little of it into my own BFE thread

[AndrewG]

Alrighty - those of you who are observant will have noticed that my BF thread has come back to life. Well - I have realized some things and made some decisions. The first is that I am through with casual sex. Having sex with women too soon is not getting me what I want - which is more than just some screwing and then moving on.

Second - I am taking a break from dating - may as well call it a moratorium. No dating until September 13th after my son's b-day party.

Third - I am also taking a complete sexual moratorium - even healthy masturbation. I have been having sex and masturbating a lot, and it has been absorbing a lot of my energy - well, I haven't been getting some other things done that I want to do, so I am going to channel that sexual energy into those pursuits:

- writing articles
- learning guitar
- being with my son
- talking to people

I won't stop meeting women and getting numbers - that's fun and good practice for when I am ready to date again.

I also have to deal with being friendly with both June and TYOB - I will let you all know how that goes.

Wish me luck!

[AndrewG]

Soo - while I am not dating - I am definately still practicing talking to women.

Here's a funny opening I used this week. I had to go to one of the Gulf Islands for work, and I arranged to get left there with my bike. I rode the trails after the meeting was done, then rode to the ferry. Standing on the ferry, these two ladies kept trying to stand near me on the railing of the boat. I opened with "I'm surprised you are standing so close to me, I stink!"

Worked out quite well. Didn't go for numbers or anything as they were from out of town, but still had some decent conversation.

Also - ran into June for the first time in 6 weeks (she's back in town). I still feel definate attraction forr her - and I sense she does for me. Need to ponder this one. She has the qualities I look for in a RGW, except for the sexual confusion thing (well - I guess she is bi) and the whole unwillingness to go beyond dating...much pondering to be done in the next month...

[AndrewG]

Hanging with June a little this weekend - its somewhat awkward but I can handle it. (i.e.we are just being friends)

Told her that I would be into dating her again - but that she know's what I want. I think that chatting about it will be interesting - she is an interesting person...

[AndrewG]

I hate to say it, but I am enjoying being "off the market". While my moratorium officially ends September 13th, I may just be too busy to go on a date for a while, and that's OK with me.

Being friends with June will work just fine - its a little awkward right now, but I can see this growing into a true friendship minus the nonsense that sex can bring into a relationship. Its nice to have a woman friend who I am totally comfortable just being myself with - no worries about being "nice" or trying to be polite. I suppose, ideally, one shoud act like this with all people, however, as I have learned, sometimes it is necessary to temper one's emotions - I don't mean not have them - sometimes it is important to express them privately.

Still learning the balance. One day at a time.

[Brohamb]

Originally Posted by AndrewG

I hate to say it, but I am enjoying being "off the market". While my moratorium officially ends September 13th, I may just be too busy to go on a date for a while, and that's OK with me.

Being friends with June will work just fine - its a little awkward right now, but I can see this growing into a true friendship minus the nonsense that sex can bring into a relationship. Its nice to have a woman friend who I am totally comfortable just being myself with - no worries about being "nice" or trying to be polite. I suppose, ideally, one shoud act like this with all people, however, as I have learned, sometimes it is necessary to temper one's emotions - I don't mean not have them - sometimes it is important to express them privately.

Still learning the balance. One day at a time.

I think your thread may have affected me in some way. I declared about a week ago that I was going to focus on myself for a while and forget about dating. Well, damn, I am just loving it.

I'm focusing on getting back into shape, work, money, and just having a good time. No woman bullshit getting in my way. I have no agenda with women--don't want a girlfriend or even a fuck buddy or a one night stand. It's very liberating. I think this feeling of completely owning my life is good.

So I am currently on the same life plan as you man. We rock.

[AndrewG]

Originally Posted by Brohamb

We rock.

Yes - we do.

[AndrewG]

So - of course when I have decided that I am "not dating" for a while, I meet an interesting woman. Single mom- two kids - good job - shows sense of humour - attractive.

What to do...what to do? Got her number, told her I may not call for a while...not the easiest thing to explain this whole moratorium business. But - to thine own self be true - if I can't keep a committment to myself why does it say - so onwards to September 13th...

[eighty90]

Am on a DM right too, and I've also considered what to do should I meet someone I'd be interested in during this time. Have wondered if there's a middle ground kind of thing...have coffee, talk, hang out a little. But, hell, call it what I may, in any other context it'd be a date. I think I'm fixing it so I don't even let myself go there in my head. So, onward to Dec. 31.