Get All the Way In

[tokolos]

Thanks Doc, it seems to sum up what the core of my issue is with women.
Just that things seem so deeply ingrained (especially fear) that I don't know where to start.

[Hawkeye]

Originally Posted by tokolos

Thanks Doc, it seems to sum up what the core of my issue is with women.
Just that things seem so deeply ingrained (especially fear) that I don't know where to start.

Just a thought. Get fully in at each step. If you approach a woman then do it (3 second rule, right?) but don't half-ass it. If you tease a woman then do it fully not timidly. If you decide to next her, do it fully. I think this is how you start.

[FatherKnowsBest]

More importantly, if you're mot living for women and instead are engaging in your life mission, which in most cases is as simple as being yourself and doing what you're interested in you'll already being acting in a genuine manner that encompasses thse things. I think a lot of guys here are still trying to figure out "how to behave". It's as simple as John Lennon put it, life is waht happens when you're busy making other plans.

Originally Posted by DrGlover

The new year is here and you’ve probably already made your list of new year’s resolutions. Here’s a suggestion for a resolution that might actually change your life – make a commitment to get all the way in to something for which you have been only showing up part way.

If you have been “half-assing” your diet or fitness program – get all the way in. If you have been working at a job that doesn’t excite or interest you – get all the way in. If you are “hanging in there” in a floundering marriage or have been dating with only minimal commitment – get all the way in.

Most of the people who show up at my office or sign up for my classes and seminars are suffering from the same problem – they are living lives of marginal commitment. Due to fear, habit, or self-limiting beliefs, they float along, doing the same old thing, magically expecting different results. This is the essence of suffering.

If something isn’t working well in your life – if you are feeling frustrated, helpless, hopeless, trapped, or dispassionate about anything – get all the way in! You can apply this to any area of life; job, hobby, finances, health, fitness or education. In the context of this article, let’s apply it to relationships.

Most of us want to be in a great relationship, yet most of us also fear it. The two primary fears you probably try to balance in your personal relationships are the fear of being hurt (abandoned, criticized, attacked, etc.) and the fear of being smothered (trapped, loss of freedom, etc.). These fears typically originated in your earliest childhood relationships and have been played out over and over again in your adolescent and adult relationships.

How close do you think you will get to your lover if you are afraid that he or she might hurt you or smother you? Odds are, you will probably keep yourself guarded and protected. Most people never move beyond these reflexive defense postures. Ironically, the more you value someone and/or the more dependent you are on them for your sense of well-being or security, the more vigilantly you will have to keep your guard up. The more someone means to you, the more they can hurt you and the more you will be willing to give up things that are important to try and keep them happy. Therefore, you have to work harder to protect yourself.

In addition, most Nice Guys don’t want to hurt anyone. Thus they withhold their feelings and thoughts from the people they care most about. They fear that telling the truth might hurt the people they love (and cause conflict and turmoil). They avoid getting too close to anyone in case they might have to set a boundary or breakup. They fear that having to do any of these things might hurt their partner. Therefore, they utilize protective mechanisms of unavailability, avoidance, codependency, passive-aggressiveness, addictions, approval-seeking, conflict avoidance, defensiveness, busyness, and manipulation to keep themselves feeling safe.

Due to the fears listed above, most Nice Guys never get more than marginally invested in their intimate relationships. This prevents them, their partner, and the relationship from growing. It keeps both people from really getting to know each other. It squashes passion and trust. It inhibits discovering the true potential of the relationship. It keeps everyone suffering by lingering way too long in a mediocre relationship that has no ability to get better.

I’m a big advocate of getting all the way in or all the way out. No marginal commitments, no half-hearted efforts, no avoiding the tough stuff, no half-assing it. Over and over, I’ve discovered when I’m less than happy or less than successful or confused or stuck, it is because I’m not all the way in or all the way out.

Typically, whenever someone tells me they aren’t happy with their wife, their husband, their girlfriend, or their boyfriend, I ask them, “What would it look like if you got all the way in?”

Ask yourself the following questions about your current relationship or dating situation:

If you decided to get all the way in what would you do different?

How are you holding back?

What does being only part way in prevent you from finding out for sure?

What is your fear of getting all the way in?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you got all the way in?

What is the best thing that could happen if you got all the way in?

Whether your marriage of 20 years has gone stale or you’re just not sure the person you’ve been dating for the last six months is your Really Great Man or Really Great Woman, get all the way in.

I am convinced that getting all the way in is the most courageous act we can make in any situation. It challenges us to act with integrity and love. It forces us to grow and become our best person. It gives relationships the opportunity to become all that they can be. It reveals the truth of any situation. It gives you the information you need when it is time to make a decision about getting out.

I recently asked the guys in one of my weekly men’s groups what they would have to do differently if they were to get all the way in their relationship with their wife or girlfriend. Here is what they came up with:

Become completely transparent, even when it is uncomfortable.

Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Let her know what you are thinking.

Verbally express feelings. Hold nothing back, even if it might rock the boat or cause conflict.

Express anger with love.

Ask for what you want.

Bring up difficult things.

Be decisive, dependable and trustworthy. Let “yes” mean “yes” and “no” mean “no”.

Set the tone and take the lead (with love). Be an active decision maker. Show up with a plan.

Do what needs to be done because it needs to be done. No score keeping.

Let her be who she is. No trying to change her. No fixing. Love her the way she is or leave (with love).

Stop trying to please her, get her approval, or make her happy.

Set appropriate boundaries.

Soothe own anxiety. Don’t try and manage anxiety by avoiding, controlling, or manipulating her or situations.

Be who you are. Don’t hide or hold back.

Bring all your passion.

Give your partner ALL of your sexual energy.

When you are with her, be with her. Be 100% present.

Create healthy space.

Don’t take anything personally.

Let go of all attachment to outcome.

By showing all the way up, you can get to rejection quickly. You can find out if and when you should leave. One of my clients spent 20 years trying to avoid conflict and make his wife happy. After hearing that I encourage my single guys to get to rejection quickly when approaching women, he decided to do the same thing in his marriage. Instead of avoiding issues that he thought might upset his wife, he decided to lean into his fear and find out quickly what would happen if he was just honest and straightforward. Within just a few weeks of practicing this form of getting all the way in, he got out. He and his wife are in the process of divorce, both have found partners whom they completely enjoy, and both have never been happier.

Other guys with whom I’ve worked have decided to get to rejection quickly by getting all the way in and have experienced a growth of passion and happiness with their partner that they had never dreamed possible. By getting all the way in, they gave themselves, their partner, and their relationship the chance to become all they could be.

What are you holding back in your relationship? What would it look like if you got all the way in? What would you have to do differently?

Getting all the way in will probably begin with soothing your anxiety enough to show up and start telling the truth. Becoming transparent with no attachment to outcome is one of the most powerful ways to get all the way in. Lean into your anxiety. Tell yourself you can handle whatever happens. Get to rejection quickly.

Dr. Robert Glover

[Nightflight]

First off thank you for this thread Looking at it initially made me feel like it is the wake up call that I needed...

For the last few years especially, I have been living a marginal existence. My relationships, work ethic, health, finances ect... I have been giving them all half speed and feeling entirely drained from the feeling of being in limbo (misery)...

I now realize that much of the reason why I find myself in this state is largely due to my own NG/codependent ways. Fear, guilt, toxic shame, finger pointing, and perfectionism have kept me chained. Instead of dealing with the pain, I instead have put band aids and other avoidant methods. While I have talked a good game, my actions have not run deep enough. Now that I realize what my core issues are, I am taking steps to address this...NO MORE is my mantra...

I am new here, and I am still working through the exercises. This thread is a GREAT reminder that if I truly want change, I have to address my NG behavior like never before. That means keeping the focus INWARD and in a honest and persistent way. This thread helped me realize that I need to be FULLY IN with me before I can be fully honest in my dealings with the rest of the world.

If I can do this, my answers will come...Thanks again for this important reminder doc

NF

[Meng Tian 52]

Just did Breaking free #37 about sexual shame and sent it to four guys I trust. Getting all the way in may also be getting all the way into the shame, sexual shame and Toxic Shame, and the pain that creates. I have used women sexually and have caused some great pain, some of it a few decades ago, and it is still in my way for current relationships and asking for what I want. I have the faith that standing face to face with the pain and with the shame will let me find some grace for myself and be able to move on.

o only half-ass face this will let the sexual wounds fester.

[RufWarrior]

Originally Posted by delta-v

In my view, getting all the way in takes a considerable amount of courage, especially if you've done it before and didn't end up with the result you were going for. It's less about rejection, I think, than it is about how one begins to associate the process of getting all the way in and having those efforts rebuffed.

For me, when it comes to relationships, I worry about putting a lot into someone, only to have them leave. However, this has only come up more recently. I was more afraid of offending them, leading them on and hurting their feelings, or not even knowing how to get all the way in with a girl. For the longest time, I didn't even know what that meant.

With women, I have kind of been all the way in. I hesitated on asking them out and stuff, or touching them, but that's because I really didn't know how. I know I dated one girl in college who had a boyfriend back home. I took her out, just ever touched her. I can look back and say I treated her well. Same with many other ladies.

My problem has often been, getting all the way OUT. I believe this takes courage too.

When it comes to career and schoolwork and activities, I've truly been all the way in for those. And it has paid off. While in some cases things didn't end well. in ALL cases, I can look back and say I did a damn good job and left a legacy. At the companies I worked, in grad school, in undergraduate, and in community activities. In fact, it is probably the most proud part of my life. The sad thing is that I was always to get all the way in for those things because I didn't have to worry about fear of rejection or hurting people's feelings. With women, it was more of a challenge.

In recent years, as life got better, I have had a harder time getting all the way in. With that "other" girl, with getting engaged, and with some of the new activities I got into. I had no problem getting into my current job, but that's cause they treat me good.

Not getting all the way in has to do with feeling like we have to protect ourselves. We have to let go, knowing we can handle it, and then we can enjoy life more fully.

[SkipsPeer]

most Nice Guys never get more than marginally invested in their intimate relationships. This prevents them, their partner, and the relationship from growing. It keeps both people from really getting to know each other. It squashes passion and trust. It inhibits discovering the true potential of the relationship. It keeps everyone suffering by lingering way too long in a mediocre relationship that has no ability to get better.

This describes me. At one time in my life it was actually a major goal of mine to become known as a "nice guy". A dissatisfaction with my life and a desire for greater authenticity has driven me to give up the "nice guy" role. Meanwhile, I've grown to become over forty and find myself in a miserable marriage. I will buy the book (and do the exercises), because I have been an anxious mess for too long already. Since I figure that I am a recovering "nice guy", I am looking forward to discussing my new life with others who are on the path already.

[Hawkeye]

The concept of getting all the way in seems deceptive to me. Everytime I decide to "really do it" I end up quitting the whole thing. Of course we're going into pre NMMNG now so who knows, I can't really trust my experience in that.

For example my job. I got all the way in one week. It took 12 hours a day and I felt sick at the end of the week. Now it felt good knowing that I could handle it but really,..., I have other things I want to do. I have no intention of getting all the way in at my current job. But it doesn't feel good to half-ass it either.

Maybe getting all the way in just means facing your fears. But I really think you can over do getting all the way in. You can over compensate and so pretend that you have no weaknesses.

Maybe I don't understand the concept. There are different levels of participation in anything so it must be a different concept than a matter of degree of participation. Maybe it's deciding what's right for me and then doing it. That simple.

[Hawkeye]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye

Just a thought. Get fully in at each step. If you approach a woman then do it (3 second rule, right?) but don't half-ass it. If you tease a woman then do it fully not timidly. If you decide to next her, do it fully. I think this is how you start.

Hmmm. That's more or less what I said here.

[Hawkeye]

Originally Posted by RufWarrior

Not getting all the way in has to do with feeling like we have to protect ourselves. We have to let go, knowing we can handle it, and then we can enjoy life more fully.

Sounds good. I guess I've been informally calling this concept "allowing someone to reject you." whether it be woman or just someone you're talking to. Do what you want and don't try to control the other person's reaction. Hmmm. I suppose this could apply to circumstance too and not just a person's reaction. Like going for a new job because you want to and deciding that crap may happen and that's ok. You "allow" it to happen. Or doing something new on the job, or doing a new hobby. You allow for the possibility that unpleasantness might occur and that you can handle it. I suppose this is happening even now in my current job. Even though I ran like a scared puppy the first few months due to the fact that I hadn't really incorporated any of this NMMNG stuff into work I'm beginning to pull it together now. I think I understand a little more.

[PoisedAndReady]

Finally got fed up with totally getting ignored by women for years now. I found this page at random (though coincidences are rare or don't exist at all in my view) and here I am. This was the first article I read. I didn't realize how wimpy my level of commitment has been to dating and getting out there with chicks until now. It's something I bitch in my head about all the time and do NOTHING about. I guess I realized in the car this morning that this is totally out of character for me; if there's something in my life I don't like I make a plan and I WORK on it. Time to start working on this.

I AM poised and ready. I am so glad that I'm not the only hopelessly nice guy out there. We'll see where this goes eh?

The new mantra in my head is "I can handle this."

[RufWarrior]

I just finished writing a very lengthy review of the How to Get a Date Worth Keeping my Henry Cloud on this website. A major theme of this review is about getting all the way in, which the author doesn't do a good job of addressing. This review was very much motivated by attending Dr. Glover's relationship class and his article on get all the way in, as well as Susan Anderson's abandonment work. You can see the review here:

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/forum...ad.php?t=14956

[Fartoolong]

Wow, just read that for the first time. Scared the shit out of me. He's right though. :/

[Striker]

"Let her know what you are thinking."

Getting all the way in...what a concept! Changes (work & relationship) have been playing havoc with me lately. Like, take the easy route and run away. Recently got the NMMNG book. Lots of work! This week, i braved it...let her know how frustrating things have gotten (won't get into it) and feeling the need to quit. Come to find out, she basically was feeling the same way and most importantly was able to vent (without being the "let me fix it guy"). The tone loosened up and some light humor followed...along with a great sense of relief. Enough said. Back to the book.
Any feedback would be appreciated.