What to do when your wife is taking her frustrations out on the kids

[Louie]

We have small children (aged 3 and 6) and my wife is a stay at home mom. Our 3 year old is a kinetic learner. He is always moving and touching things and climbing on things and it drives my wife nuts. He also has a habit of ignoring warnings to NOT do something. Its like he has to try everything at least once, even if an adult is yelling at him to not do it.

Most days my wife is at wits end by the time I come home. The phrase "They are your kids now" is very common. I don't mind giving her a break so that she can unwind, but I wonder sometimes if I am making it too easy for my wife to feel justified in being angry with the kids.

Example, the other day I could hear her in the bathroom trying to get the three year old ready for bed. I heard her say "Look this way so I can brush your teeth. Look this way. No ... look THIS way. Don't play with the tap or you will get wet. DO NOT PLAY WITH THE TAP! AGHHHHH. NOW YOUR PAJAMAS ARE WET! Why did you turn on the tap when I specifically told you not to? You make me CRAZY! Are you TRYING to make me mad? If spanking were not illegal I would be very tempted to do it right now."

After that she stormed out of the room. I was on my way up the stairs and she stopped and looked at me and said "YOU deal with him. I have had it!" Then she walked past me down the stairs and I heared her plop down in the easy chair with her book.

I quietly went into the bathroom and took my son into his room to change his pajamas and put him into bed.

Should I have confronted my wife about her angry outburst? The boy can be very frustrating, but as an adult I think she needs to be carfeul about venting her anger at them.

Maybe this type of thing will pass as the kids get older. Any advice?

[ktrp]

My kids are 9 months to 8 years.

I would say my wife says even more inappropriate things to the 8 year old then the others.

There's what 'should' be done and what is effective.

I'm open to others suggestions on this one.

[chevy1947]

My wife is the greatest with kids especially when younger. I have always been lucky that the kids are first and formost with her and if you needed somebody to watch your young kids for a month my wife would do it without question.

However when they start to develope a mind of their own as in mid-teens she has problems because the words because I said so don't work quite as well with a 15 year old grand daughter.

Now the tightrope starts, there are times when my wife to me is wrong on how she is reacting to this teenager but it is important that I talk to my wife about it just the two of us because any disagreement in front of kids will make the kids note in their minds that if they act out in certain ways grandpa or grandma will jump in and take my side and it will be the new rule on how she acts.

Many times my grand daughter has a good point but I will not change my wife's decision on if she can go out and I will tell her that grandma has reasons why she does not want a sleep over at joan's house and its because she does not approve of how joan's parents watch the kids and I understand you think it will be fine but her decision was no and I am going along with that decision.

With the problem of you wife losing her cool with the kids I can imagine it is driving her nuts.

You need to sit down and talk with her and ask what is an option to help.

Can you suggest some outside help a couple of hours and couple of days a week? Maybe that would be just enough for your wife not to go into overload and feel that her effort is not appreciated. Big thing and my wife feels it all the time that she is not appreciated. She is wrong but that's how wives that stay home with kids think. Many times their effort is talked down because oh you are lucky you are staying home. My wife would have been much happier with going to work than all the work and kids she has cared for believe me.

You have to communicate and maybe there is something you can do to help take the load off your wife or at least let her know you understand.

Her yelling is a cry for do something.

[ktrp]

Originally Posted by chevy1947

Big thing and my wife feels it all the time that she is not appreciated. She is wrong but that's how wives that stay home with kids think.

A lot of SAHM I see, my wife included, seem to focus entirely on their kids, and neglect themselves and their husbands.

They then complain that they're not appreciated. That's true. Because they focus all their attention on a three year old, and then feel sad the three year old doesn't appreciate it.

[LouisianaMan]

Louie,

Why does your wife have to stand over him to see what he does? He does all that because he knows it pushes her buttons. Mommy's actions entertain him! She could always turn the water OFF after she wets the brush. Then he can't play in the water. Why does he have to have his pj's changed if he likes them wet?

Offer to watch him brush his teeth a couple of nights and see if you can change the background. Brush your teeth at the same time to show him how it is done. Make sure you turn the water off. Most important is to have HIM do the brushing.

LouisianaMan

[Tower of Power]

Originally Posted by LouisianaMan

Louie,

Why does your wife have to stand over him to see what he does? He does all that because he knows it pushes her buttons. Mommy's actions entertain him! She could always turn the water OFF after she wets the brush. Then he can't play in the water. Why does he have to have his pj's changed if he likes them wet?

Offer to watch him brush his teeth a couple of nights and see if you can change the background. Brush your teeth at the same time to show him how it is done. Make sure you turn the water off. Most important is to have HIM do the brushing.

LouisianaMan

My kids are older, but what I finally started doing is to take over control when I feel like it. What Louie did sounds fine to me, but sometimes I would just play with the kid and give my spouse a bit of down time. I won't always continue the chore for her; it's really her issue, her choice - careful about caretaking vs. caring.

In this example I might do what LM suggests, or similar. The general principle is to give from strength, from choice. Do not let her emotional drama with the youngster drag you in too.

It is tempting to lecture (provide prompt feedback?) wives about aspects of the way they provide caregiving for your children, but this discussion is usually best left for relatively peaceful moments. Watch what she does, and model, model, model. If she's not stupid, and your methods work, she will probably start using them.

[WorkingOnHonor]

I know I am going to get jumped for this but with my ex step son he turned out to have ADD. He was just totally lost in whatever he was doing. During school he took meds at home we had to do things to break him out of what he was zeroed in on. He is wanting to reach out and play with the tap, take his hands and turn him away from the tap while telling him to focus.

But at 8 months he is being an 8 month old. your wife sounds like she is stressed and using the kids as an excuse. Does she just sit at home all day with the baby? If so, why? And if so, he is bored out of his mind and exploring things and pushing the limits with her is he way of not being bored. If she is always telling him no then he is just beyond listening to her, because no matter what he does it is always going to be NO. Instead of telling him no don't play with the tap, she should just let him play with it for a few and then say, okay now lets finish brushing your teeth. Or when you get home you take over the the 8 month old and feed him, bathe him and get him ready for bed. This means you are leading not letting her tell you when to lead. If you come home and the old kids stuff is spread across the house then tell them to pick it up, don't wait on her to tell them, you lead. Yes, you have been at work all day and are tired but you are still a dad and husband and need to lead. I would rather work 10 hour days than have to be a stay at home mom. Although when I was in school the ex would drop the step kids off at the sitters and I would pick them up on my way home and then I was Mr. Mom for a few hours. So I do know how it feels, plus the ex had to work weekends and then I was all day Mr. Mom.

So, help out when you get home and take some of the pressure of mom without her have to ask. Watch the kids, help with dinner, fold the clothes, don't just come home and dump yourself into a seat, like so many dads do. Lead by example.

[Better Days]

Sounds like just a lot of frustration building up from your wife, stemming from her trying to control the uncontrollable. I agree with LM to a large extent - there's not a lot of harm that can come to a 3 year old brushing their own teeth - as long as you stand nearby and finish up the job once they are done. Model correct behaviour for him - kids are mimics and sponges. If he gets himself wet let him have to deal with it (change his own PJ's or go to bed wet) - experience is a better teacher than a lecture. His reward for turning on the tap is more attention and being catered to. You need to remove the reward.

Sounds like your wife keeps doing the same things over and over expecting a different result, and blaming the boy for it. He is just doing what works for him, and what gets him the payoff he wants. Your wife's mistake is thinking the boy wants to have his teeth brushed and will work with her to get that done. Wrong. He likes making his mom go apeshit, just because he can. He is learning to control his environment for his amusement. You both need to remove the audience and his control, and not hide him from the consequences of his actions. He will learn, and it's much better he learn in your home than somewhere else later on.

[JackNicholson]

Originally Posted by Louie

We have small children (aged 3 and 6) and my wife is a stay at home mom. Our 3 year old is a kinetic learner.

Does the younger one behave the same way with other adults? I've got to ask because my two nephews (almost 3 and 4) are real angels with their professional child-minder, but they won't behave the same way at all when their mom and dad are around. Same goes with me actually, my two nephews respect me a lot more than their dad and their mom (also, I've suggested that we don't feed them sweets, and I believe that helps a little, although their parents will still give them sweets against my advice still sometimes, and I believe that makes them more hyper).

This is not to say that they're perfect (even with the right adult supervision), but I believe that having the right levers in place helps. I truly believe that kids this age know exactly what they're doing, that's why they'll modify their behaviors exactly to fit the standards of whichever adult is in charge of them at each very moment.

Originally Posted by Louie

He is always moving and touching things and climbing on things and it drives my wife nuts.

Same here with my nephews, but I'm mostly driven nuts when we're out in a nice restaurant (they almost toppled some very expensive-looking statues). If the restaurant is made for kids, or if we're at their home where most things are child-proof enough (not that anything can truly be made to be child-proof), or if things are cheap enough that they can be replaced if broken, and hopefully, as long as they don't hurt themselves too much when falling from high, then I don't worry about it too much.

If anything, may be you shouldn't try to fix your wife's feelings when she blows up. She's going to feel angry at times, that's going to be totally normal. If you want her to let go of her anger, don't try to attenuate her anger when it happens, acknowledge it, but don't try to judge it, or defend the kids, or whatever else you do to try to improve her mood (people hate it when someone else tries to control *their* feelings, and she may even become more angry because of such an intervention). And if you don't agree with a decision she made, speak to her about it privately (but later on when her emotions are not in play anymore).

Also,give your wife a way to "tag" you or call for a "time out" without feeling the need for her to blow up so you can take over for her. Sometimes, a few minutes by oneself is all that's needed (for either the parent or the kid).

And finally, make sure that your wife isn't depressed. It's super easy for a stay-at-home wife with kids to get depressed and angry all the time. Consider the unthinkable if this is what you think is happening. Make her get a part-time job outside of the home, or whatever else would get her outside again, sometimes you have to take new drastic actions in the face of new problems.

- Jack