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#1
July 23rd, 2012, 10:36 PM
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Being a Father Figure
Long story made short, I have been dating a girl for 9 months. She has a cool four year old son that I didn't get to meet until about the 2nd month of our relationship. Soon thereafter he was involved in an accident in which he was hit and pinned underneath an SUV. He had broken his femur, ankle and both legs but miraculously he is back running around (with a few minor scars).
Initially in the relationship I was scared about possibly becoming a father figure or role model to the boy. I had never really been involved in a relationship where the girl had a kid. The accident made me realize that I did want to do such a thing and I have been spending a lot of time trying to help mold him into a good man (not a nice guy type though). I was just curious to know if anyone had any battles with their "nice guy personalities" and forming a father figure relationship with a son. 
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#2
July 24th, 2012, 04:56 AM
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Quote:
Don't get so attached to him before deciding whether his Mom is a RGW that you can no longer make a clear decision. Are there not other men in her family who can also serve as a father figure? Brothers? Her own father? Boyd
__________________
Boyd Recommends: Guilt & Shame Moratorium | Phases Of Recovery | Learn To BLURT! | 1st Stage Affair Intervention
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#3
July 24th, 2012, 07:38 AM
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Agree with boyd. The mother's more important than the boy right now.
You're not doing anything noble or romantically self sacraficial if you get deeper into this for the sake of the boy and end up in a f'ed up relationship. The BEST father is a good husband first. You don't have to DO anything to become a father figure. You just have to spend time around him and it will happen naturally. And it will happen for better of worse. That is, he'll model healthy behavior AND bad. Best thing to do is continue to focus on IM behavior. Do that stuff and he'll see it. If "father" is a role you choose to take on, just need to make time for him and the rest will follow. Best regards,
__________________
"I’m a man of limits: forever physically, emotionally, morally and artistically on the brink of plunging into the abyss. Yet I manage to keep my balance and possess presence of mind." ~C. Morgenstern "The true test of a man's character isn't the mistake he avoids, it's how he deals with the mistake he's made." ~me "Your mission: Be so busy loving your life you have no time for hate, regret or fear.” ~Karen Salmansohn
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#4
July 24th, 2012, 07:58 AM
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Such good insight and advice. I will ensure I put his mother first in the relationship. I sincerely appreciate the outlook.
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#5
July 25th, 2012, 10:38 AM
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Quote:
You lead by example. Simple as that. Don't try to change him, and don't ever send the message that he isn't ok just the way he is.
__________________
Words of wisdome from Lupe Fiasco: "But my most coveted thing, is the high self esteem, and the low tolerance for them telling me how to lean. See; the most important parts are the ones that are unseen, the wings don't make you fly and the crown don't make you king" (Gold Watch)
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#6
July 25th, 2012, 06:34 PM
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Kids form attachments easily, especially with men who pay attention to them. That's why you've got to make sure the relationship with his mom is going to work before you let him get attached to you. I know it sounds almost cruel, but it will be worse for him if he gets attached to you and you end up breaking up with his mom. You've got noble goals; I hope it works out for all of you.
There are only 3 ways to teach kids: 1) example, 2) example and 3) example. Show him how an IM treats a woman. Do what you say you're going to do. Set the tone and take the lead.
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