my son is clearly on path to be a nice guy

[Xavier]

Originally Posted by IM2010

I'm sorry but I just don't believe any of this. It is way too perfectionist and too far removed from reality.

My son is a sook because that is his nature. I think it is mine as well.

I'll add to this that he has been sooking less and less since we have been harder on it. We simply tell him that he cannot sook and he has to get over it. If it continues he loses privileges. I should add that this is from my understanding the best way to discipline children. Basically you offer consistent praise and you consistently confiscate privileges if the children do not operate within your boundaries. This is the best way to ensure that you and your children have a good relationship yet good behavior is encouraged.

To reiterate this is working. My son and myself have a good relationship. He is a happy kid who is successful and should do well in life. I cannot though as a parent simply pander to elements of his character that will hurt him throughout his life. It is my job to bring out the best within him whilst creating a positive happy environment.

I'll add another story. There is a kid who my son is friends with and who plays soccer with him. This kid is a bit of a brat. He gets lots of special treatments. At the moment he is on a special diet. When he gets hurt on the soccer field his dad is there pandering to him when it is obvious that there is nothing wrong. My son seems to handle the little bumps and bruises a lot better - he doesn't come off the field stating I've pulled a muscle or it hurts. This kid was off the field at one stage recently complaining that the other team were bullies and the coach had to basically tell him to stop speaking crap. Now if I pandered to my son he might be like that but because I don't he represents me well.

Also this is not a tough guy approach. It is based upon solid parenting advice as well as my experience with myself.

I was not suggesting that you pander to him when he's sooking; if you interpreted it that way, then I heavily miscommunicated what I was trying to say. It seems that you're working hard to change your son's behavior, and I assume you're teaching your son what character traits he needs to succeed. As long as he understands what behavior is going to be praised and what behavior is going to be ignored, he'll realize that he has full control over how to react to things.

I'm glad that your son's getting tougher and that you're working with him to develop a good relationship while at the same time setting your boundaries. I know that it'll take a long time before I become a father, and I can only give my perspective from my relationship with my father. As you seem to have a good handle on what to do, I can't give much more than I've already said. I wish your son the best on his journey.

[Phrack]

Thanks Xavier. I appreciate your feedback.

[Wilbury]

Originally Posted by IM2010

he represents me well.

This statement bothers me - my father was always concerned about how I reflected on him, and later in life I learned his self-esteem was lower than shit. I'm not a parent, so maybe when I have a kid my attitude will change - but I think kids are their own people, not a reflection on you and to hell what other people think.

I've seen terrible kids come from great parents and great kids come from terrible parents. There's a lot that goes into a child, a lot more than just parenting, and I'm not saying that as an excuse to be a shitty parent - just saying that the idea that your kid is a direct reflection on you doesn't hold much water with me.

[wet4surf]

Just almost finished reading NMMNG and stuck on the last 25 pages. I will finish 2night! Do not want my son to follow the path and be a victim. Trying to be an open parent who may take custody soon from his mother. Thoughts from anyone appreciated.

[wet4surf]

Told my birth father and Step Dad a Big Thank you for giving me responsibility when no one else would....most of the women in my life growing up were over bearing. I don't want this for my son. He wants to live with my GF and I now.

[Phrack]

Originally Posted by Wilbury

but I think kids are their own people, not a reflection on you and to hell what other people think.

Its not about what other people think. I couldn't give a shit. It is about my sons and daughter becoming good people. Of course I cannot control that however I can try and be the best parent that I can be.

Originally Posted by Wilbury

just saying that the idea that your kid is a direct reflection on you doesn't hold much water with me.

I disagree a little. I have 3 kids and they are all their own people however your kid can be a brat because you don't set proper boundaries or you make their life too easy. They are not a direct reflection on me and I do not expect any of them to do anything for me however I will encourage them in numerous ways and be supportive towards them as well.

I also don't believe in living through my children. I do lots of things for me.

[coaltrain]

Would you rather he be proud of doing something wrong?

Or does this only apply to things you consider wrong?

If he smoked crack or stole a car, would you still be upset that he was ashamed of himself?

If he is ashamed of doing wrong, then you have raised him right. That is why our young people are in such trouble these days, they have no shame in doing wrong.

In the old days, if you stole from your neighbor you would never be able to live with the guilt. Nowadays kids care for nothing.

[Phrack]

Originally Posted by coaltrain

Would you rather he be proud of doing something wrong?

Or does this only apply to things you consider wrong?

If he smoked crack or stole a car, would you still be upset that he was ashamed of himself?

If he is ashamed of doing wrong, then you have raised him right. That is why our young people are in such trouble these days, they have no shame in doing wrong.

In the old days, if you stole from your neighbor you would never be able to live with the guilt. Nowadays kids care for nothing.

You are correct. I think on here there is a tendency at times to pick at trivial little details. I see absolutely nothing wrong with stating that your children reflect you to a point.

My daughter the other day was rude to my brother and my wife was really pissed off and told her that her behaviour reflects on her as a mum and a parent.