Outcome Detachment Squad 2012

[Devile]

Hello all!

One of the most cumbersome aspects of overcoming the NG syndrome, according to scores of men that walk the path of integrated masculinity is detachment to outcome. Some men are literally paralyzed with anxiety when it comes to dating, work, family and general interactions with people.

I believe that this is one of my areas that needs constant reinforcement, so I invite all men to join the Outcome Detachment Squad 2012 - a special task force to help all of us into the stretch zone of outcome detachment, sharing our experiences, helpful materials and of course our success stories.

My childhood and adolescence was mostly hindered due to an over-attachment to outcome. I wouldn't even raise my hand in class because I'd think I'd be ridiculed for giving the wrong answer! Through the NMMNG process this aspect of my personality has been eased somewhat but like all things in life, it can be improved. I feel that I seem to avoid engaging with the opposite sex due to this attachment to outcome. In 2012, it's time to beat it and roam free and easy, without getting bogged down in overanalysis and ego involvement when there realistically doesn't need to be any.

Here's to a positive 2012!

[Devile]

Organized a meetup with some twitter friends the other day; gave a time and set a date. They could all follow. No anxiety; just did what had to be done! Good feeling.

[Devile]

I'm having a bit of trouble...I'm back at a workplace after three years. When I was there, I was feeling at the "height" of my NGism. I was pursuing a woman who lived overseas and even then, I was under her thumb. I felt out-of-sorts, inauthentic and generally fearful.

Now these feelings are coming back; I feel my colleagues are quite negative and that I may not be up to the task. I'm cognizant that these feelings are internal reactions (a reversal of order of abstraction) but it feels difficult to shake them. I've organized a time with my therapist to get my head into order.

I'm also having a hard time with personal issues such as my grandmother's deteriorating health and the lack of a car due to bureaucracy. Otherwise, things are going pretty well. I have savings for once!

[Devile]

Haven't written in here for a while. But a brief update.

Last weekend a ladyfriend (essentially a FWB) from up North stayed with me and we had a sex-filled weekend where, for the most part, just was myself and detached completely from outcome. I stayed in the now and savored our time together which was extremely enjoyable. I almost picked up another girl at a party without even trying! Even the ladyfriend commented on how "into" me this other girl seemed to be.

In sadder news, my Baba (grandmother) has only a few weeks to live. She practically raised me from birth during my early years as my parents worked constantly. I haven't been wallowing; I've come to accept the outcome. I will miss her, but now that her cancer has claimed her, I'm glad she'll eventually find peace in the midst of constant pain.

[Boyd]

Wow, what a mix of things to respond to in your most recent post!

First, my condolences to you and your family about Baba, her illness and impending passing. I'm glad you are able to find relief in the news as well, however.

As to the rest, nice score with the FWB who is truly a FWB and doesn't get wiggy when you get interest from other chicks! That's a very rare find, I think you should make a thread about how you found her and how you two negotiated to where you are, others would be very interested

Boyd

[Devile]

Sorry to disappoint, but there wasn't any verbal negotiation. I just did what I felt was right, took the lead and asserted my boundaries. Meat and potato NMMNG stuff, really!

As per Doc G's podcast, there hasn't been a "relationship definition" talk because I don't feel I need one and she hasn't initiated it. I think the realistic view of the distance hasn't allowed the relationship to devolve into a "I miss you so much" long-distance relationship. We both have fairly well-baked "cakes" of lives that precludes any such nonsense (at least, that's my feeling.)

I did feel rather sad last night, but it was more of a melancholy about my Baba. Not a crushing, all-encompassing sorrow. I suppose I'm looking at it from her perspective, not hers. I've also started reading one of Susan Anderson's books, "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and another pro-male mythopoetic book, John Eldredge's "Wild at Heart."

I suppose it's good for me to know that my life will have purpose after she is gone; as a child she was very much my "center" - my inner child would probably surmise I'd be "lost without her" but that simply isn't the case any more.

[Devile]

My grandmother passed away last night. She went peacefully and my father was by her side. I feel numb and sad but relieved for her in a way. May she rest in peace.

[Malibu2000]

Sorry to hear. Condolences.

[Matt007]

What are some good strategies to practice detatching from outcome? I am having some trouble with surrendering at the moment, that is, detatching from outcome where a woman is concerned. My own fault for not following some of the rules, now I need to be reminded of a few strategies if anyone knows of some good ones?

[Devile]

Thanks Malibu, much appreciated.

I'm not an expert, but it helps to uncover why you attach to outcome in the first place. Is it due to abandonment? People pleasing? It's probably a mixture of fear and anxiety. Fear you may lose something/be ridiculed/foul up and an anxiety that surrounds it.

REBT may help in immediate situations. Go into yourself and realize (verbalize) what you are feeling. Is there a tension in your chest? Are you holding yourself back? What are you projecting on to this other person? What do you want in return? What are you saying to yourself? Put it into words you can tell yourself or a safe person. (even better if you have a "wingman.")

Overthinking and attaching to outcome usually produces incongruence between body and mind. When I am "detatched" I usually feel energetic, talkative and obnoxious (teasing, telling, touching etc.) When I'm not, I'm reserved, anxious and negative (inner emotions projecting outward) - I'm not a real pleasure to be around. Being open and saying "yes" is a good place to start. Usually a homebody? Try going out more. Accept invitations or create your own adventures. More often than not you will have to organize your own activities; embrace it.

The happiness and light comes from a "good place" where the latter does not. There's no magic bullet; it takes a lot of work to universally accept oneself and follow the path from there.

[CrystalPalace]

Saw this great quote from Kobe Bryant the other day on that Bruce Lee documentary ("I Am Bruce Lee" -- check it out).

He said:
"The thing that I grab for the most is the trust. Being able to trust your abilities in each situation. A lot of times the game becomes too scripted. When it's too scripted you start planning for certain things to take place and that's when I believe you're weak."

When we're attached to outcomes, we're really trying to anticipate and plan for a future. We believe that our actions will result in a future we find predictable and desirable. We may be afraid/anxious and want to control to avoid undesirable consequences, or we may be looking too get our needs met via covert contract rather than by being direct.

Kobe's right. At the end of the day it's about trust in yourself and your abilities. Focus on those.

Best regards,

[Matt007]

Thanks guys,
my stuff is abandonment related. I have done a lot of work over the last 2 years, clearly I need more, and its my own fault because I didn't follow the rules, I guess I can only do what i can do, and not try and control the things I can't, and see what happens, and deal with it whatever it may be.

[Devile]

That's it, Matt007. Follow the rules, dig down into the pain and root it out. It's the only remedy.

As for myself, I have been feeling flat. The grieving process has been subtle but it's still lingering. Now the funeral is done with I feel myself "shielding" against mental pain; a lizard brain response. Old feelings of dependency, neediness and neurotic thoughts creep back in. I've mostly kept a lid on it...I also feel it time to connect with the men in my family and other male friends not in my immediate circle. My non-NMMNG friends are becoming increasingly less dependable (as in, organizing a hang out then reneging at the last minute, etc.) when I want "man time."

[Ocean]

Originally Posted by CrystalPalace

Saw this great quote from Kobe Bryant the other day on that Bruce Lee documentary ("I Am Bruce Lee" -- check it out).

He said:
"The thing that I grab for the most is the trust. Being able to trust your abilities in each situation. A lot of times the game becomes too scripted. When it's too scripted you start planning for certain things to take place and that's when I believe you're weak."

When we're attached to outcomes, we're really trying to anticipate and plan for a future. We believe that our actions will result in a future we find predictable and desirable. We may be afraid/anxious and want to control to avoid undesirable consequences, or we may be looking too get our needs met via covert contract rather than by being direct.

Kobe's right. At the end of the day it's about trust in yourself and your abilities. Focus on those.

Best regards,

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here after reading the book. I think that this is a very powerful quote, and you break it down nicely.

I'd like to join the 2012 team here.

So my first question is this: does practicing Outcome Detachment run contrary to visualization techniques?
For example, athletes will visualize making the big shot over and over again. Also, visualizing and trying to get yourself into the mindstate of how achieving your goal feels supposedly helps you achieve those goals.

But are these visualizations attaching you to an outcome instead? I've found in the past that I get trapped in what Kobe is talking about - I visualize things happening a certain way, and then when they don't go exactly as prescribed in the visualization I get upset or thrown off.

So how can you successfully visualize success without getting trapped in attachment?

[Devile]

Hello Ocean, and welcome.

No, I would not say so. Using Dr. Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Imagery can actually help alleviate attachment to outcome. I would attach to outcome because I would try to predict what may happen in my head (irrational imagery) - but REI in which you explore multiple possibilities would assist in overcoming attachments.

For example, your irrational/toxic belief may come in the form of trying to strike up a conversation with a woman.

Me: There's an attractive woman over there...I should talk to her...what if she thinks I'm unattractive? Stupid? She probably has a boyfriend... (left with feelings of shame, frustration)

You can counteract these thoughts with REI.

What if she thinks I'm unattractive or uninteresting / counter: How do you know this? You will not know until you test for interest. Even if she believes that, this is only the opinion of one person and not wholly representative as you as a man.

She already has a boyfriend / counter: Your knowledge of this woman's personal life is zero. You cannot confirm this unless you talk to her and she tells you.

Then using REI you can envision yourself talking to her, shooting from the hip, etc. I would recommend Dr. Ellis' book A New Guide to Rational Living for further explanations and techniques you can use. He's also very pro-male, which is refreshing too!