A few small successes

[RayW]

I think you're right. I feel as if I am more in tune to it. That coupled with the fact that I'm "less afraid" to engage women on that level probably accounts for some of my success.

I've been dating someone for a few weeks now and I was thinking about the way I'm interacting with her now -vs- the way I probably would have interacted with her in the past. Big difference. I'm glad I am who I am now, because I don't think this girl would have tolerated the NGness very well. I'm very sparing with the self deprecating humor and that used to be a big part of my “shtick” before. I’ve made it clear that I will take her to bed, it’s just a matter of time – and I keep pushing it. In the past, I would have never been this aggressive. We banter and bust each other’s chops a LOT. I probably treat her more like a kid sister (the way I tease her) more than I do a girl I’m interested in. I don’t think I would have done that before. She hinted that she’s still going out with someone else, but that he talks too much and is more like a “girl friend”. I told her she should keep him around as her “official” boyfriend and she could just sleep with me. Again, before I think I may have "taken the bait" as Chey says. Funny thing – she’s smitten with all of this. It’s like she can’t get enough, but she knows she still has to play it “cool”. Damn, but this is fun!

[OffTheCuff]

Originally Posted by RayW

She hinted that she’s still going out with someone else, but that he talks too much and is more like a “girl friend”. I told her she should keep him around as her “official” boyfriend and she could just sleep with me. Again, before I think I may have "taken the bait" as Chey says. Funny thing – she’s smitten with all of this. It’s like she can’t get enough, but she knows she still has to play it “cool”. Damn, but this is fun!

Yaaaaa, I've heard the "I have a boyfriend" mini-shit-test before... yeah, if that's the case, why am I in bed with you? I'll spare you the psychology, but, as an exercise, try to come up with a few reasons why she might say something like that. Then apply those reasons as a guide on how she wants you to treat her.

You definitely busted that test correctly. Bravo.

[RayW]

I'm still seeing the girl mentioned in my earlier posts. She tests me (just like any woman will test you). However, for some reason, I think I recognize when she's testing me (even when she does not). Its nothing hardcore, and nowhere near the kind of tests my ex used to roll out on me. In fact, with this girl, I don't feel as if I have to be as hyper vigilant as I was with my ex.

She likes to ask a lot of questions (she used to be a reporter) about me and my past. She then likes to "comment" on my answers (only natural).

What I'm doing right -
I use "fogging" pretty well when she comments on things and I think she may be testing me. - "You're right...I certainly made some poor choices. Can you believe a grown man would do something like that?"

I "don't take the bait" as Chevy says. Example - We were at an independence day parade and this crazy bodybuilder dude was marching in the parade in his speedo. She got her picture with him, and came back to me and said "I think he's my new boyfriend", to which I said "You should TOTALLY date him - he's got a way better body than me. Did you get his number? I can't wait to tell people that I introduced you two..." She giggled, and said "shut up" and gave me a big kiss

Where I can improve -
It occurred to me (actually, she told me this) that I don't have to answer every question she throws at me. I was probably a little "too open" for a while - my strategy was "I'll answer any question you ask". From now on, my strategy will be "I'll answer any question you ask that I WANT to answer".

[WarriorMonk]

Originally Posted by RayW

It occurred to me (actually, she told me this) that I don't have to answer every question she throws at me. I was probably a little "too open" for a while - my strategy was "I'll answer any question you ask". From now on, my strategy will be "I'll answer any question you ask that I WANT to answer".

I totally get this. As a NG, I habitually hid and lied about a lot of things in my life that I felt would get me rejection. So now that I'm learning to be more honest, I've found that I can be too honest, and it's inappropriate and unnecessary. Total raw honesty can be an approval-seeking behavior too!

[RayW]

WarriorMonk -

Man, you nailed it! Thats exactly right and was exactly what I was doing. Like most things in this recovery, you have to do a 180 from where you were before and then work to find a healthy middle ground.

[MyWave]

Hey Ray,

When she is asking you questions, do you ever mix it up with flirting? I have found that a quick witted humorful response that catches them off guard and makes them laugh triggers attraction

It is also a great way to lead the conversation, which deep down I think most women desire from a man

btw loved you bodybuilder retort great stuff

[RayW]

Wave

Yes, I do mix it up with flirting. Its a fine line. She'll say "So tell me about XYZ." And I'll retort with stuff like "Awww boo, you're smitten with me, aren't you?"

In fact, I DO think she's smitten with me, but she plays her cards well... like a healthy, well adjusted, emotionally mature woman.

Interestingly, she said something the other night that few women rarely admit, but that NMMNG identified. She said she likes her men to be "men" - "wrench on cars" (she actually said that), get dirty from time to time and be in charge. Its refreshing to date a girl who's honest about what she wants instead of worrying about what society tells her she should want.